Pleasure Notes

7-26-10

“I used to believe… that growing and growing up are analogous, that both are inevitable and uncontrollable processes. Now it seems to me that growing up is governed by the will, that one can choose to become an adult, but only at given moments. These moments come along fairly infrequently – during crises in relationships, for example, or when one has been given the chance to start afresh somewhere – and one can ignore them or seize them.” — Nick Hornby

At the moment, I’m seizing the moment. It isn’t graceful, but I’m happy for having the choice.

What choices are you making? What moments are you seizing today? Do tell!

via Daniel Semper and Aeromental / flickr

I just saw Salt. My girl crush on Angelina Jolie continues unabated and unrequited. And I’ve just spent the last hour fantasizing about taking a kick-boxing class and jumping on top of moving vehicles… Once I can comfortably touch my nose to my knees, that is. Which will happen right after I dump George Clooney for not taking our relationship seriously.

In addition to Salt, here’s a list of movies I recommend that may be at a theatre near you:

• Inception. Not nearly as confusing as some people claim, a great conversation piece and much better than Memento.
• I Am Love. Cinema as art.
• The Kids Are All Right. Capturing all the best aspects of indie film-making – emotion, integrity, simplicity, honesty and joy. Plus, Ruffalo is hot.

Now that you know my top movie picks of the moment, my work here is done. I will now go consider what evasive moves I must master as I sleep, on the off chance a Russian spy intercepts me on my way to work in the morning.

This post may or may not self-destruct in the next five seconds…

7-19-10

Three lady bugs explore a wonderland. What are you exploring today?

So I know you all have lives, very active, busy lives, and you probably haven’t noticed that I’ve been a little M.I.A. but boy, I’ve noticed. It’s been driving me crazy. Of course, it hasn’t been driving me crazy enough to DO anything about it. That’s kinda the story of my life at the moment. I have some unbelievable, KICK-ASS intentions. But actions…

Actions and I are having a little falling out at the moment – lots of miscommunication, the silent treatment, ineffective communication, etc. In fact, I’m feeling very abandoned, if you wanna know the truth. Actions seem to have deserted me entirely. So rude.

Every day, I set out with grand plans. But then I hit the snooze button. At least five times.

And that pattern is repeated throughout the day. Metaphorically speaking. I DO get out of bed, of course. The distraction and procrastination provided by the proverbial snooze button, however, is incredibly effective. It comes in numerous packages and flavors, but the result is the same. Time is “stopped.” Action is delayed.

Which means my laptop never gets turned on, I don’t write that great post that’s been peaking out from various dark passageways of my mind, I don’t visit my lovely friends at the long list of glorious blogs cluttering my RSS feed, my eyes bounce over my Twitter feed. Stories remain untold. Designs remain uncreated. Business plans remain undeveloped.

The only way to defeat the snooze button is to ignore lethargy and to relinquish comfort.

The only way to step into action is to force engagement.

So I’m forcing engagement. My brain is as foggy as it always is when the alarm goes off in the morning. Except that it’s not the morning. But I’m getting up anyway… after I hit snooze just one more time.

How are you and your snooze button doing? Have you turned it off yet today?

by aphotoshooter/flickr

I’ve been very silent for the past week or so, both online and off. I don’t know what it’s about, really. I simply get hit by a wave of exhaustion when I think about… thinking, much less talking or writing. I’d love to blame it on the June Gloom that descends upon Los Angeles at this time of year, or an incredibly busy schedule, or an epic natural disaster but, alas, none of those hold up to scrutiny, or even a side glance. And since I have no idea what’s causing this current phase of misanthropy, I’m not sure what to do to get out of it. Which is why I’m now purging on the page.

Not that I’m expecting you to sift through my bile or trudge along as I write myself out of the vagueness– or actually, that’s exactly what I’m asking of you.

If you’ve been around here a bit, you know that I spent most of 2009 in tears. The tears stopped in 2010 and I thought:

WHOOPPEE!
I’m done.
I never have to feel sad again.
Everything will now fall magically into place.
I deserve a fairytale ending, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!
Oh, and look, there’s some chocolate.
Let me eat THAT for breakfast, lunch AND dinner…

And down the rabbit hole I went…

Have I ever mentioned that I use food like others use alcohol or heroine? Not in the recreational use kind of way, no. That wouldn’t be so bad. In fact, there’s a twisted sexiness to that use of addictive substances. Or at least I’d be skinnier.

But no.

Instead I (choose?) to use food because I frequently feel like my head screams a version of the following:

CHECK ME OUT OF THIS EMOTION THING NOW – I DON’T LIKE IT -  I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M DOING – WHAT AM I DOING – MY LIFE IS UNMANAGEABLE – OH MY GOD THE DISHES ARE DIRTY AGAIN – WHERE IS THE GODDAMN KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOUR – THERE’S MOLD IN MY BATHROOM – HOW DOES EVERYONE ELSE KNOW HOW TO NAVIGATE EXISTENCE – WHY AM I NOT FAMOUS AND BEING FED SEEDLESS GREEN GRAPES – I WILL BE A SINGLE, CAT LADY FOREVER – I AM MORE PATHETIC THAN THE ROTTING TURD ON A DEAD CORPSE IN THE RAIN – THE WORLD IS FULL OF IDIOTS – EVERYTHING WOULD BE BETTER IF I CONTROLLED THE WORLD – PLEASE DON’T MAKE ME MAKE A DECISION – MY BRAIN IS A HAMSTER WHEEL SPINNING SPINNING SPINNING – PLEASE STOP AND SHUT THE FUCK UP NOW

Consistent consumption of food has worked better than any Bose silencing headphones to reduce the chatter. Of course, it also silences everything else. Not so good.

There’s a saying in 12 Step rooms that you know if someone is an addict when she calls 9-1-1 after breaking a nail. I wish I could say that was an exaggeration.

Laundry piles defeat me. Dirty tubs defeat me. Wardrobe decisions defeat me. People defeat me.

I’ve been known to binge on snap peas, for crap-sake.

About seven years ago, I got help. I was tired of avoiding birthday parties because of an overwhelming sense that I would ruin the event by showing up and being fat. I hated the shame of broken promises to myself about things I would or wouldn’t eat, activities I would or wouldn’t do. I’d started hiding food even when no one was around from whom I needed to hide anything. I was done with feeling entirely hopeless and helpless.

Then, things got better. So very, very much better.

But now, I find myself once again looking at invitations with dread, breaking promises to myself, not showing up for others in the ways I wish. I am a turtle shrinking into my shell.

by littleREDelf / flickr

This is familiar terrain on which I tread, but I have NO INTEREST in taking routes already walked.

My heart is that of an explorer.

So I’m lifting up my machete, with this purge of words, and stepping into the wilderness once again. I’m scared and uncomfortable and already doubting the sense of leaving behind the comfort of isolation and silence.

BREATHE DEEP. Off I go…