Is it more important to feel SAFE or to feel LOVED?
This question was posed to me a few days ago and it has since haunted me. I don’t have a particularly admirable track record with relationships, I’m not in one at the moment, and I’m circling back around to wishing for that to change but, of course, for the dynamics and outcome to be different. Patterns are difficult to break, however, if they haven’t been identified and, more importantly, if the motivations behind the creation of them haven’t been illuminated.
After much contemplation, it has somewhat suddenly occurred to me that, for most of my life, the answer to the above question has been…
SAFE
I scuttle to emotional safety every damn time I’m in a sticky situation. And any situation that demands vulnerability, honesty, truth… real nakedness… is A VERY STICKY SITUATION. Or at least that’s how my primitive brain processes it all.
I’ve always blamed myself for choosing the wrong men, and I’ve blamed many of them for being asshats. But I think I’ve been wrong.
The truth is, I’ve chosen exactly the type of men I wanted, men with whom I NEVER had to be emotionally naked, men from whom I could easily reject love in favor of safety or from whom I knew I’d never receive any love that could threaten that safety.
And while some of them were Class A schmucks in our relationship, the ASSHAT moniker is too big and simply to label their behavior, and indicates nothing about how they might behave with someone else.
I’m ready for something different, now. I’m very grateful for all I’ve learned, truly. But it is time for love to be more important than safety.
What do you think?
Jennifer Prentice
/ April 21, 2010Emma, Thank you for your honesty in this post. It was brave of you to admit that you may have chosen wrong in past relationships, and in my mind, this revelation could be the beginning of something beautiful for you and your LOVE(D) life. I’m sending lots of good thoughts and love your way–and also keeping my eye out for a potential suitor for you here on the Central Coast!
XOXO
Jenn
.-= Jennifer Prentice´s last blog ..Nicole Cyrese:A Cut Above =-.
emmajames
/ April 22, 2010Jenn: Thanks, chica! And I’m gonna hold you to that – lol.
olive & hope
/ April 21, 2010Go for the love girlie! Go BIG. I’ll be holding space for you while you find your way! I recently read something along these lines…I wonder if all of those years, I wasn’t picking the wrong men, but rather the type of man I thought I deserved. That really resonated with me (like a lightning bolt).
And in this moment in our lives, when we are claiming our worthiness, and really wanting to own it….we have to ask ourselves, do you believe that you deserve this thing that you want? It seems I am asking myself some version of this question often, lately.
so happy that I get to share in your journey! xo
.-= olive & hope´s last blog ..Dear Universe, I got the message. =-.
emmajames
/ April 22, 2010O&H: I think you’ve hit the nail on the head. Hopefully the answers are easier than the questions. xo
LA Cochran
/ April 21, 2010Interesting question. I think the two go hand in hand. If you don’t feel safe with someone can you really be in a loving relationship? I can’t. Doesn’t mean there isn’t that thrill.
.-= LA Cochran´s last blog .."She thinks my tractor’s sexy" –Kenny Chesney =-.
emmajames
/ April 22, 2010LA C: I think there are two different kinds of safety – the one that keeps us separate and the one that brings us together. I didn’t get into that in this post, though maybe in a later one I will. It’s the staying separate that I’m putting the kabosh on!
verybadcat
/ April 22, 2010this really hit home for me. i’m in a relationship (?) and i’m scared to death that i’m two steps ahead (emotionally) of the guy i’m seeing. i hate it, and i can’t push, don’t want to push, but i’m stuck in this spot where i want to win or quit. i can’t win right this minute. i can’t force a win. so my choices are to quit playing or stay in the game, and i’ve come close, more than once, to hanging up my hat. because i’m falling for this guy, and if he doesn’t feel the same way, if it doesn’t work out, it’s going to hurt. i’m setting myself up to get my heart broken, and i still remember all too well what that feels like.
the question i keep coming back to, though, is this: is the risk worth the possible payoff?
and that’s why i’m still in the game.
so while you’re not talking about anyone specific (as far as i can tell), i would say the same applies to you. choosing love over safety is very risky, but the reward? is damn well worth it.
<3
.-= verybadcat´s last blog ..Zen and the Art of Standby Travel =-.
emmajames
/ April 22, 2010VBC: Keep forging ahead. Please. You inspire me to do the same. xo
Ally
/ April 22, 2010Going for love, even though it’s risky and messy sometimes, definitely has the potential for the biggest reward!
.-= Ally´s last blog ..This or That? Warm Weather Edition =-.
emmajames
/ April 23, 2010Ally: Ah, yes, the biggest reward, the biggest risk. I have a bone to pick with the entity who devised that formula.