Dear Jamie:
I saw a girl wearing a yellow coat today. It reminded me of you. Many things do.
It’s been a year since you left. I’ve just recently rediscovered my feet, that they belong under me, and that I can use them to stand and move forward. You’d probably say, it’s about damn time.
A lot has happened in the past 365 days. You’d be ecstatic about some developments, but I know you’d roll your eyes over much of it. Or maybe you would have accepted the humanity of it all with more diplomacy than I.
I wonder if you’d change your views about death it you had it to do over again, or if you’d still think it all ends point blank. I wonder what new secrets we would have shared in the past year, and which ones we would have continued to keep to ourselves. I wonder about a lot of what ifs. The wondering doesn’t stop me in my tracks as often today, though, as it has done.
Your mom, in the midst of her grief, told me that would happen:
Eventually the smiles transcend the tears.
She didn’t say it exactly like that, and let’s not even mention how strongly I wish our roles could have been reversed so that I was providing her comfort instead of seeking it, but I’m so grateful for the wisdom in her words.
I went camping this weekend. Yes, camping. You should have seen the night sky, Jamie. It was amazing. And it made me laugh.
There are no answers, chica. You already knew that. Like so many other things I’ve learned in the past few years, and particularly in the past 365 days, it took you to teach me this lesson too. I’d hold up a Whiskey and Ginger to you, but that’s not really me.
Another thing you’d have pointed out if you were around.
Instead, I’ll smile every time someone walks by vainly trying to pull off a yellow coat as well as you could, and my heart will crunch at odd moments when I hear a specific song or remember a particular event or see a convertible, and I’ll walk through the rest of my life with a little more light and a little more shadow to my soul than I had before I knew you.
I miss you, chica. And I thank you. And I honor you. And I love you.
Cheers. xo -em
p.s. Did I tell you I’ve stopped drinking coffee? Crazy, huh? But I’m eating chocolate again. For the moment. My feet are in desperate need of a pedicure. And I’m considering cutting my hair. See all the drama you’re missing?
p.p.s. Yes, I will see the next Twilight saga. But, seriously, only for you.
mrs mediocrity
/ May 10, 2010well that brought tears to my eyes and I don’t really know either of you, but that is how well you drew me in, showed me your feelings. and yes, there is always chocolate. it might sound silly, but sometimes, it is those little things that keep us going. those little symbols of hope that we hang on to…
emmajames
/ May 14, 2010Mrs. M: It is most definitely the little things… I’d actually meant to close this post to comments but, having never done that before, I didn’t know how. And now I’m kind of glad I’m a tech idiot. I really appreciate your kind sentiments!
Justine
/ May 10, 2010Beautiful, Em. this gave me chills. I have the same thing when I see yellow coats and convertibles, and many more things too. Jamie definitely has inspired a lot more color in my wardrobe, but there is no way I can pull it off with the panache that she did. love.
emmajames
/ May 14, 2010Justine: She’d be so stoked that she affected your wardrobe choices, as you know. She was/is so very, very well loved.
p.s. You have abundant panache, never fear.
Janet Tinnon
/ May 10, 2010Love you Em….I remember all of your support even if you don’t especially when you found the right words when I couldn’t even utter a literate sentence.
emmajames
/ May 14, 2010Janet: I think of you so often, I just rarely can articulate my thoughts. Love you always and sending you sparklers full of joy from here to there. xo
molly
/ May 12, 2010You convey yourself and your feelings so beautifully here. Hugs.
.-= molly´s last blog ..slacker sunday: mother’s day =-.
emmajames
/ May 14, 2010Molly: Oh, chica, if only you knew how infrequently that is true! But thanks, nonetheless
Hugs back.
Square-Peg Karen
/ May 13, 2010Em, this touched my heart so much! Odd to me too..that the 10th is my son’s b.d. (who has left home for new adventures..leaving me empty nesting and grieving in a different way)…sigh..wish i could come give you a hug – and some chocolate.
What a beautiful, beautiful friendship I can hear in your words to Jamie – thank you for sharing this!!
.-= Square-Peg Karen´s last blog ..Out of Frustration – Guest Post =-.
emmajames
/ May 14, 2010Karen: Sending you a huge virtual hug for your empty-nestedness (is that even a word? it is now!) You are such a wonderful gem of a woman.