Best 09: Day Twenty

Who is the most impactful new person you met in 2009? She came into your life and turned it upside down. He went out of his way to provide incredible customer service. Who is your unsung hero of the year?

I’ve met lots of amazing new people this year, many of them fellow bloggers. But the person who turned my life upside down in 2009 was… ME. Egotistical, right? Perhaps. But also true. And humbling. So, no songs of heroism. Just gasps of “oh shit.”

As you know, 2009 has rocked me off my moorings. And straight to the moon. It’s been a year of grief, anger, insecurity, and fear. The principle side benefit of this (and, yes, I am acknowledging a blessing in the midst of chaos) is coming up against my self. I’ve discovered I don’t really know me very well. How’s that for a mind fuck at 40?

Sign me up as a mid-life crisis cliche, thank you very much.

Turns out, many of my beliefs about myself – what I want, what I like, what I value, what I need – have been catapulted into the ether. I’ve been stripped naked by the realization that the stories I hold to be true about myself, while at least co-authored by me and somewhat engaging, weren’t written with me in mind. They were written for you (and by “you,” I mean global you, not YOU, you).

My head has been a constant boxing ring for most of my life – judgement duking it out with enthusiasm, ambition with contentment, spot-light seeker with shy hermit. I’ve known those players for a while. The grand champion, however, threw left hooks from the shadows. Until now.

This fighter doesn’t have a name, unless you give it mine. It’s sole goal is SAFETY. But like a tiger cub left alone in a cave too long, it fights with its back to the wall and attacks anything that comes near, including the hand reaching out to comfort it or draw it into the light. And it has been working with bad intel.

The definition of safety this fighter has been using is wrong. And I didn’t even know it.

When I was a child, I wanted to be a neurologist. In highschool and college, my goal was to someday become a CEO of a multi-national corporation. Ambitious? Yes. True to my heart? No. I was striving for power, control, acceptance (external, of course). Career. Relationship. Body. I thought, if I have a big enough title, a dynamic enough man, a sexy enough body, enough money, enough wit, enough fill-in-the-blank… I’ll be enough.

Delusional.

And, intellectually, I’ve known for years how crazy that idea is. But I’ve still been hacking my way down that trail, swinging my machete willy-nilly.

There is no grace to living in conflict with your soul.

This year, I met my soul. And she is PISSED OFF. She has yanked me out of the boxing ring, thrown me in the ocean, and is the midst of a rant to end all rants. Something about being ignored and neglected. She’s talking so fast, I can barely keep up. I’m going to be spending 2010 getting to know her better. I have a feeling this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

How about you? Who rocked your world this year?

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