Blind Sided

I’m not quite sure how to move forward after I blind sided you all with yesterday’s confessional, so I’ll begin by admitting that I didn’t see it coming either. I have only a massage to blame.

I scheduled a massage for the day before yesterday. Going into it, I was hoping for some emotional release. After all, I strongly believe that we hold a lot of emotional energy in muscle memory. All I wanted was to get some gunk worked out. I innocently thought that the expressed sludge would be grief related, given the events of the past year. I had NO IDEA that I’d be confronting sexual violation instead.

I. Did. Not. See. That. Coming.

I cried through most of my massage.

I cried as I spoke to the somewhat unnerved but (thankfully!) experienced massage therapist after my session.

Then, I purged on the page.

Afterwards, I sat on what I’d written. I asked a trusted friend to read it, and for her advice about making it public. I followed her recommendation to wait til morning to make a decision. So I did. And I ultimately clicked “publish.”

I immediately cried some more. Huge, gut-sourced sobs of release. An hour. More. And again this morning. I’m sure I’m not done. But I’m also not worried about creating a schedule. Healing will happen organically. The seeds have been planted and the roots are growing nicely. I know, from my reaction and that of others, I did the right thing.

And if the past two days past year has shown me anything, it is that I am best served when I relax into the hairpin turns life takes. I share that epiphany with gusto!

What am I saying?

THANK YOU. For your comments – on the post, in tweets and via email. For your example – the integrity and authenticity you show in your spaces gives me the courage to be honest in mine. For your honesty – in claiming sister- and brotherhood in the experiences about which I wrote. For your empathy and camaraderie – I feel so lucky that you choose to spend time here, whether you prefer to just lurk or be known by name.

BIBS ARE NEEDED. Since I started Pleasure Notes in 2008, I’ve become increasingly personal in subject matter. Yesterday took the cake. But it wasn’t the first time I’ve purged, nor will it be the last (though I do intend to sprinkle some more sparkle about again soon). And I’m aware that, given the nature of vomit, it does have a tendency to go everywhere. So I hope you continue to like getting a bit messy with me!

GO SEE THE BLIND SIDE. It’s just a good, fun, poignant movie… See? I can be light and airy!

And I’m not kidding about the film. Two thumbs up. No cleaning supplies necessary.

xo

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