I sit in a chair that is not my own, wearing a robe and slippers that are not my own and looking out a window that is not my own, but I am home.
I’m in Colorado today, visiting the city in which I grew from child to adult. I’m staying with my father and his wife for the weekend and then I’ll cross town to stay with my mother for a few days. I didn’t navigate the city like this as a child. Then, there was only one place to call home. I’ll drive by it at some point while I’m here; now, that place is only a house.
So what makes the house in which I currently find myself, sipping tea instead of coffee, a space I call home? The love, of course.
I am 40, but I am still someone’s child.
It is gratifying to return to the fold sometimes. Infuriating and frustrating sometimes, as well, which is one of the many reasons I’ve lived thousands of miles away from the time I turned 18. But for today, I’m focused on the gratitude.
And as I contemplate where my life’s journey is leading me at the moment, I can’t help but wonder if I still want to be thousands of miles away.
I’ve lived in Los Angeles for more years than anyplace else. There is love in that space too. I feel no hesitation when I call it home. But I have nothing keeping me there. I could pack up and relocate in a heartbeat. I’ve done it many times. Home is always recreated at each destination.
So, I wonder. I sip more of my tea. I look out the window at the snow-covered streets. And I ask myself… should I live here now?
This isn’t a question easily answered, but I am in no rush. I will let it float through my mind during this visit, and possibly for longer. The answer will come.
When was the last time you relocated? What made you do it? And what are the factors that let you know you are home?
Amanda
/ January 2, 2010“Home is always recreated at each destination.” Thank you for sharing this. It was really moving.
Since I moved out just before my nineteenth birthday, I move once a year. At least. I can’t seem to sit still long enough to really sink my teeth into a place. This summer, I relocated twice: once back to live with my parents while my husband explored joining the police and then back to live with him when he determined that it wasn’t for him after all.
My home is always where I hang my heart. When I lived with roommates, it wasn’t home. There was nowhere that I felt safe. Now that I have space of my own, this whole apartment has little pockets of happiness. I am home now.
emmajames
/ January 3, 2010Amanda: I’m so, so glad that you now have a space filled with pockets of happiness, that you are home. I believe it is vital to our well-being; we must have sanctuary, some place we feel safe, loved, nurtured. When we achieve that, all else is possible.
whollyjeanne
/ January 2, 2010home is a feeling, and if your heart is being tugged to move, do it. and be grateful that you can. be careful you don’t think yourself out of it, though. you know how it is: brains often bully feelings into submission (when, actually, our feelings are the more powerful in terms of physiology. but we’ll talk about that another day.) we moved in 2009. hadn’t planned to, didn’t need to, didn’t move far (only 8 miles). i just felt absolutely, undeniably compelled to, and it was the right thing. in so many ways, on so many levels, it was the right thing to do.
ever read a book by katrina kenison called the gift of an ordinary day? it’s a still, quiet, calming read about a woman who moved even though it made sense only to her soul.
.-= whollyjeanne´s last blog ..conjuring is hard work =-.
emmajames
/ January 3, 2010Jeanne: I’m heading to the bookstore today! Thank you for sharing about your move. I’m so glad you listened to the intuition that compelled your change. That inspires me.
whollyjeanne
/ January 2, 2010i’m back cause i got so caught up in aligning myself and my life with your post, i forgot to answer your questions. i already told you that we moved because i was undeniably, inexplicably compelled to move. we had scarcely turned onto the drive when i grabbed my heart and said “oooohhhh nooooo.” and we couldn’t even see the house at that point. the oh no was because we didn’t need to move, were reasonably settled in the current house, and besides, who wants to pack and move a lifetime of accumulations if they don’t have to? but we did have to leave. my soul needed to live on this land in the house we eventually saw. i felt at home there, deeply, comfortably at home. there’s also the fact that it’s 10 secluded acres, and i do loooovvveee my privacy, but it’s bigger than that. it has to do with peace and stillness and possibility. on that ground, in that house, i know that anything is possible in that house that loves me. i needed to be there because i am a better person there. in that place, i am the jeanne i always wanted to be.
.-= whollyjeanne´s last blog ..conjuring is hard work =-.
emmajames
/ January 3, 2010Jeanne: I laugh every time I read the first sentence of this comment. I love that you are in so much action right now – brava!
Change is incredibly emotional and I, for one, frequently forget or dismiss that fact. It is crucial, and the best kindness, to allow oneself the space to FEEL and honor WHATEVER those feelings are rather than ignore them. I’m so glad you did that.
And it brings tears of joy to my eyes when you reveal “in that place, i am the jeanne i always wanted to be.” Fucking awesome.
Alana
/ January 2, 2010Beautiful. I can see you there. I can feel the love. Enjoy the process of figuring it out.
And to answer your questions – we moved in September 2009. We did for many reasons – slower pace, less stress, the lure of the ocean, debt reduction…because it was time and as soon as we recognized it everything fell into place.
This is a temporary home. 2 years max. It’s home because it’s where we live. Where we love, play, eat, cry, laugh, sleep. It’s our place to recharge before our next big leap, whatever that might be. Oh – and a little paint on the walls helped too.
.-= Alana´s last blog ..6 changes – the kick-off =-.
emmajames
/ January 3, 2010Alana: Your actions inspire me to continue listening to my intuition. I see how transformative the move has been for you, and it gives me courage to trust the process, whether or not it results in packed bags.
Angie @ Just Like The Number
/ January 3, 2010Three yeara ago we moved back to the area where I grew up after living in Nashville, TN for 10 years. It wasn’t an easy decision – we loved Nashville and felt like it was home for our little family. And yet there were many blessings that came out of the move. The lower cost of living allowed us to buy more house and become debt free. My husband found a better work environment. Most importantly, my kids got to know their grandparents and interact with them on a weekly basis. I still don’t feel like this is where we belong forever, but it feels right for now. I feel like major decisions are never black or white, just varying shades of gray.
.-= Angie @ Just Like The Number´s last blog ..Project 3(Six)5 =-.
emmajames
/ January 4, 2010Angie: No move has to be forever – that’s the beauty of living in a mobile society. But I’m so glad you’ve found so much joy in this move. Isn’t it delightful when our choices are affirmed?