Pleasure Notes

A few days ago, I mentioned my need to change priorities when it comes to relationships. As part of that endeavor, I must acknowledge the lessons learned along the way and the trail of debris left behind…

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Dear Child Star: Of course we had to end. I could never admit how I felt and you didn’t know how to ask. No relationship can withstand the pressure of partners who are stuck only playing parts; neither of us knew of a way to put aside the masks we’d created to navigate the world at large.

Dear Greek God: You made me see stars and I wasn’t prepared for a trip to the moon. Passion that intense is the antithesis of safety. Control and ridicule kill passion with brutal efficiency. I am a skilled assassin.

Dear Angry Man-Child: Emotional safety is not the same thing as financial security or physical protection. I don’t think I really knew that until you. Love was never on the table but it took a while to realize that meant the table was just empty.

Dear Tennis Ghost: We met under false pretenses, using fake identities. How is it we were both caught off guard and so thoroughly disappointed when unmasked? We should have seen it coming; if one buys a diamond thinking it is cheap plastic, no one should be surprised if it ends up in the trash.

Dear Hitcher: You were everything I didn’t want – kind, approachable, responsible, giving, funny, loving. I didn’t know that’s why I turned you into the villain in our story. I can’t rewrite it but I hope you found another one with a happy ending.

Dear Driver: I thought you should know when I stopped playing games. I’ve since learned I never should have started them.

Dear Starbucks: You thought I was a risk-taker because I didn’t shy away from physical danger. Silly man. I have a million reasons why jumping off a cliff is child’s play compared to asking you… anything.

Dear Red: I waited for you to prove you would protect me from the inevitable. I waited so long that the inevitable happened. And the idea of getting burned twice? Inconceivable.

Dear Climber: I bought the package without any real interest to discover what was inside. I should have glanced at the list of contents. That might have saved us both a great deal of drama.

Dear Lost In Translation: You got blasted to kingdom come by the power of my intentions. I hope you can laugh about it now. I’m beginning to do the same.

Dear Moustache: I never knew manipulation could be so easy until I met you. That is heady knowledge to have. It’s taken me a while longer to realize I don’t have to act on it and that, in fact, I’m much, much happier when I don’t.

Dear Gargoyle: You wanted a wife and I hated you for that. I wanted a toy and I hated me for that. Neither one of us would have known how to be in the moment if our feet had been cemented into it. You did more for shattering my preconceptions in the midst of our confusion, however, than anyone else. I’m grateful for that, and for your willingness to concede when I demanded your defeat.

Dear Cheater: I played with fire. I got burned. I can’t blame the fire. I also can’t continue to stoke it while expecting it to retreat. I simply need to occupy myself with other elements, regardless of the allure of flames.

Dear Boy with the Band: You revealed a side of me I didn’t know. I thought I could fake it in your world without having to commit to anything. I didn’t realize I was just being a grifter until the con fell apart. I’m sorry I drew you in to such a mess. I’m even more sorry it didn’t come off a success. Honestly, I’m still intrigued by the idea of pulling it off with aplomb.

Dear Bazzaar Find: You kept me safe when I didn’t even realize I was in danger, and I will always honor that truth. But having you reveal the mine-field you’d just taken me through, I was too shaken to continue walking in your footsteps. I had to stop. I don’t think I’m cut out for navigating a war zone, and I’m beginning to be okay with living without the adrenaline rush.

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Have I really let go of my need for danger? Am I really ready to embrace emotional nakedness and honest love instead of the edgy roller coaster that accompanies what I identify as emotional safety – relationships that I instinctually know to be doomed or destructive so I’m already braced for the crash? I guess only time will tell…

Tags: boys and girls, love, reinvention, relationships

This entry was posted on Friday, April 23rd, 2010 at 1:20 pm and is filed under life. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.