I’m just going to say it… I really love money. It brings me great pleasure. The acquisition of it. And the spending of it. What keeps me up at night, however, is the lack of balance between those two pursuits. I seem to be exponentially more skilled at spending the stuff than acquiring it. I’ve been working on changing that, but it’s a very slow, painful process.
Image from Treehugger.com
I’ve cut up all of my credit cards. I’ve created a budget. And I now have a full-time job. But, truth be told, I still live beyond my means, and continue to practice a elaborate routine of dancing on air in a frantic juggle between when payments go out and paychecks comes in. With an astronomical debt, unexpected expenses and weak P.O.P-avoidance control, I live in the red. I haven’t seen a saving account or a 401K or an IRA except in books. I get panic attacks when bills are due and the salary check won’t be here for another week. Today, that means waking up at 4 a.m. and venting my fears here.
I don’t want to carry this anxiety into my day. I really want to go back to sleep. I don’t want to begrudge others their successes. I don’t want to think the system is out to get me. I don’t want to live with a warped world view that has me splashing in a pool of self-pity and mistaking it for an ocean of real poverty. So here’s what I have to remember today:
- I have a roof over my head. It’s a pretty cute roof. It’s paid for through the end of the month. And, though I think it’s tiny, it would house three families in two-thirds of the other countries on the planet.
- If things got really, really, really bad, I have friends and family on whom I could lean without destroying their own stability. I would just rather eat nails.
- A bounced check will not kill me. A missed credit card payment will not kill me. Another PB&J using the cheap bread will not kill me. Hell, even bankruptcy, if it comes to that, will not kill me. Anxiety about it all, though, just might.
Do I still want a sugar daddy, or a fairy godmother, or a newly-discovered, unlimited trust fund. HELL YES. But I’ll just have to settle for getting them in my dreams. I think I’ll head back to bed now, to work on that. I may actually be able to fall back asleep.
lacochran
/ September 10, 2009The best feeling in the world is being able to pay your bills. Okay, maybe second best feeling in the world.
Seriously, a bounced check/missed credit card payment will get you a bad credit rating which will cost you more on everything down the line (credit cards rates, mortgage rates, even employers check finance reports these days.)
Why not call the people your in debt to and negotiate? Most places will take some in lieu of none and many will reduce rates just because you asked.
Oh, and don’t pay the minimum on credit cards. You wind up paying many, many times more than you would if you just paid the whole thing outright.
It’s scary but you can take control of your debt. Pay the critical things first (rent, etc.) and then pay off the things with the highest interest rate as quickly as you can.
I’m rooting for you!
verybadcat
/ September 10, 2009Oh, hell. I’m sure lacochran is a peach of a friend, and loves you. I just know that when I feel how you felt when you posted this, all that stuff would be the LAST thing I needed or wanted to hear. So I will say these things instead:
Your financial situation is not a reflection of your worth as a person.
It will get better, it will get easier, it will not always been like this.
There are few things in the this world that give us both freedom and security. Money is one of them, and it’s okay to feel a little desperate about it.
I wish you the best of luck. And a garden fresh salad.
SoMi's Nilsa
/ September 11, 2009Many cities have non-profit agencies who will help you work through these tough times. They don’t dole out money, but they will work with your creditors to give you leniency. Maybe you should look into working with an organization like that before feeling like bankruptcy is your next option. Things will get better…
lacochran
/ September 11, 2009Sorry if I overstepped. Really trying to help. I’ll go back to my cage now.
lacochran
/ September 11, 2009Oh, and, please don’t feel alone. Most Americans are currently in sizable debt and I’ve certainly had to deal with debt in my life… doesn’t everyone at some point? I think so.
emmajames
/ September 20, 2009Lacochran: Thanks for that advice. I’ve actually already done all that, but I’m glad you shared it, and it’s very likely that someone else may not have known this and may have just learned it here.
VBC: You already know how awesome I think you are for sharing this comment. Salad’s on me.
Nilsa: Thanks for the support. And welcome to PN!
Lacochran: LOL. No need to retreat to cage. I value your comments, and adore your presence here. I never doubted for a second that you were trying to help, and I thank you for it. After all, if you guys were all silent, I very well might feel alone, but I do not!