I was so moved and inspired by Jeanne’s post yesterday at The Barefoot Heart that I decided to write about my own knots. I am full of them, mostly on strings pulled too tight.
The emotional knots have manifested into physical ones, creating pinched nerves in my back and hand, making it painful to even breathe or touch. Then there are the intangible knots, in my chest and gut, that grow larger and more entangled with rising panic, fear, loneliness and self-pity. These are the ones upon which I constantly break proverbial nails attempting to untie. They are bound fast, the seams of the strings on which to pull no longer even visible.
I wish I could just cut them out, all these knots, but then I’d be left with threads too short and hanging loose, aimlessly. I’m sure there’s some brilliant remedy in the folklore of community wisdom for how best to untangle knots, emotional as well as physical, but common advice hasn’t yet done the trick. I meditate, I breathe deeply through the pain, I take action to address the real challenges with which I’m faced. Hell, I even got a massage. The knots just grow bigger and more obstinate, it seems.
Which is why I have been talking a lot lately about the weather, and pretty things, and walks around the lake. I don’t know how to– no, I simply don’t WANT to give voice to the mundane aches and terrors that have me constantly, and fairly unsuccessfully, holding back tears. It’s a record I’m so very tired of playing, and the needle has already etched such deep grooves in the tracks that the story jumps and skips, losing any melody that might once have been there.
my favorite knot
So I focus on the one external knot that gives me hope. The knot on my favorite tree. It might seem trite, that this malformation would lighten my heart, but it does. I look at it and think of all that it has withstood. I admire the beauty of its form. And I see that the tree still stands.
Bonnie
/ February 9, 2010Like you, I found emotional knots that manifested into physical ones were never remediated by a massage. I had to get to the crux of the emotional knot and that wasn’t all up to me in many cases.
I think you brave for sharing your words and feelings. As for the tree, it’s beautiful! Such wisdom of trees and I think you are probably just as wise!
.-= Bonnie´s last blog ..A “Shawshank” Valentine – Preview of Tomorrow’s Post =-.
emmajames
/ February 9, 2010Bonnie: Oh, how true it is that I must get to the crux of the emotional knots for them to truly go away. So NOT the way I want it to work sometimes. But, really, very little is up to me. I just have to do the footwork.
whollyjeanne
/ February 9, 2010what an honor to see me here. and what honesty i read here with such vivid imagery. broken fingernails. scratched vinyl records that skip. strings pulled too tight. and the reality of how internal and contextual knots can womanifest in the body, providing one with, at best, a counter irritant. an option. shoot, you even used the word “hell” with great rhythmic and emphatic effect. i wish the only knots you could find to write about were your favorite tree knot.
it’s a slippery damn slope, isn’t it? you don’t want to live in a mental (or physical, for that matter) world of scarcity. don’t want to focus on the negative and what’s wrong. don’t want to attract more of what you don’t want but can’t quit thinking about. and yet that’s the reality in which you currently find yourself.
as if you didn’t already have enough angst to go around.
and aren’t i a little ray of sunshine?
i don’t mean to heap more on – i just don’t want to dismiss your feelings and knots either. they are real – too real.
okay, i’ve tied myself a knot here, so now i’ll just fade on off into the “submit comment” button and hope you’ll still speak to me in the morning.
loveyoureallymeanit.
.-= whollyjeanne´s last blog ..knots =-.
emmajames
/ February 10, 2010Jeanne: First of all, there is absolutely nothing you could say that would have me not speaking to you in the morning. You are always a ray of sunshine. And thank you, for your kind words and your empathy – truly appreciated. It is, indeed, a slippery slope. I’d just like to feel like I’m not face-planting constantly – ha! Hope you’re stocking up for the new storm – stay safe & warm… xo
Julie
/ February 9, 2010Emma, You are wise and beautiful and dear. I love reading your words. I love how you weave them together. I so get what you are saying here. I only know what I know, but I do know we are deep-feeling creatures, and that’s okay. Trust what you are feeling. Trust your own knowing. Trust your gut.
Big love to you.
.-= Julie´s last blog ..A Love Message to You =-.
emmajames
/ February 10, 2010Julie: Thank you. I am trusting, I’m just not always liking…
Alana
/ February 9, 2010I love and appreciate how hard you are working to focus on what makes you feel good, while still allowing all the pain and tears. You haven’t really gotten a break for more than a minute as long as I’ve known you (yikes – and that’s a long-ish time). That you can still go deeper, peel the layers away and transform, even though you don’t want to, is breathtaking to watch. I know, without question, in the deepest parts of myself, that the butterfly that will emerge from this painful shedding will soar.
.-= Alana´s last blog ..Recommitting =-.
emmajames
/ February 10, 2010Alana: Aw, see, now you’ve made me all teary-eyed. Crap. Thanks, chica. xo
Dian Reid
/ February 10, 2010“I wish I could just cut them out, all these knots, but then I’d be left with threads too short and hanging loose, aimlessly.” This gets me. Seems to me, a point of self-acceptance…of accepting what is. We can’t just cut out the parts we don’t like or the parts that are too hard, too messy, too tiring…what we’d left with is less than ourselves. And you, my dear, are meant to be all you, in all your guts and glory. I just love where you went with Jeanne’s nudging. xo
.-= Dian Reid´s last blog ..Fear In The Present Moment =-.
emmajames
/ February 11, 2010Dian: Thanks, my friend. Somehow the image of bluntly cut, stunted strings is utterly unappealing. I’d rather just keep working on loosening the knots. I knew you’d get it.