It’s been a crazy couple of weeks chez moi. I’m being pulled in 20 different directions. I feel like every aspect of my life has been put up for review, and found wanting. Of course, this is only my perception. I can’t see the bigger picture. I do know, however, that I have no road map for where I’m going. And, more importantly, I have no clear concept of where I want to go. I am easily distracted by flash and bang. I hesitate to commit to a course of action. There are so many possible directions in which to go, and I don’t want to take the wrong route. I fear a dream is dying, but I’m not ready to say my goodbyes. At the same time, strange doors are opening, but I don’t know where they lead. I am at a crossroads. I have been here before. So I am behaving according to the script I’ve always followed. Instead of letting myself grieve my potential loss or, alternately, tightening my bootstraps in anticipation of the unknown, I watch myself fall into inertia, into chaos, into disastrous disorder. It might seem odd to compare chaos to inertia, since chaos suggests movement. Imagine a hamster wheel at Mach 2, however, and you’ll know what I mean. In many ways, I’m comfortable with this chaos. After all, repetition breeds familiarity. But just because it is familiar, doesn’t mean it brings me pleasure.
Chaos
What if I change my perception, however? What if I decide to look at this chaos the way the Greeks did? What if my life isn’t in disorder but, rather, in a state without form? Then there is hope. Maybe I can take that flying leap off the spinning wheel. Maybe I can make that single step, in any direction, without analysis or even thought. Maybe I can simply close my eyes and trust that the chaos in which I find myself is actually blossoming into a new, better and more beautiful pattern for my life. I think, if I can do that, great pleasure awaits. I’ll let you know…
In the meantime, what do you do when you feel the tug of chaos pulling at you?
LiLu
/ March 22, 2009Gah. I am SO with you on this. Please let me know when you figure it out…
LiLu’s last blog post..… But You Can’t Take the Masshole Out of the Girl
emmajames
/ March 23, 2009LiLu: Of course! And if you figure it all out before me, share the insight. I have a feeling we’re not the only two souls in this particular boat.
Oxen Cox
/ March 23, 2009I like to bitch slap chaos in the face. Let it breed your creativity. Stress is like the man, don’t let the man get you down.
egan
/ March 23, 2009To me it sounds like you need a trip out of the country. That will make you regain form immediately.
egan’s last blog post..Tying off Loose Ends
Kat
/ March 23, 2009Well, aside from the occasional eye twitching or jaw clenching, I just try to go with it. I’ve learned from experience that it’s not worth fighting the chaos. Instead, work on changing how you *see* things. I’m all for creating the life I want and using words and affirmations to create what I want.
On that note, unless you really want to own this “chaos”, you might want to work on adjusting your focus and changing some words around. So instead of owning the (seemingly) bad stuff and saying that you are something (I am confused, I feel confused, My life sucks, etc), change it up…things SEEM to be…I seem to be confused, My life seems to suck…blah, blah. This way you’re not owning the (seemingly) bad stuff, it just appears like these things are happening to you.
Sorry to get so new agey…it’s just a thing with me. Trust me, words and thought patterns are intense. So put the focus on what you want to happen, not what you don’t want to happen.
Kat’s last blog post..I Feel the Siren Song of the New Purse Calling to Me
emmajames
/ March 23, 2009OC: I like your attitude. Sometimes, you truly scare me. Then I remember the walrus.
Egan: Good to see you back. And funny you should mention a trip out of the country. Have you perhaps been spying on my tweets? I haven’t mentioned my future travels plans yet on Pleasure Notes, but let this serve as a teaser… I’m plotting away – ha, ha, ha!!!
Kat: Wow. Well, thank you for the suggestions. I’m so used to self-deprecating and using definitive language, I don’t even notice it anymore. I appreciate the gentle reminder. My mother would love you. And, hey, feel free to be as new agey as you want. I love that you read what I have to say and care enough to respond.
This blogging thing is a strange and wonderful world, and I am still finding my wings. It ain’t always gonna be pretty, but I like knowing you guys are all out here too.