“I wish I loved anything enough to stay put,” writes Birdykins in yesterday’s beautiful post. I freeze in recognition. I understand the need to be mobile and free.
To fly.
To run.
To flee.
From them. From you. From me.
Of course, I read “anything” as… ANYONE.
But the statement doesn’t tell the whole story, or at least not mine. It leaves out the decision.
What I truly wish is that I could LET myself love anything anyone enough to stay put. But I can’t, or at least that’s how I interpret my track record of nonexistent relationships.
I am so terrified of love that I leave in the midst of it. I don’t save myself the broken heart. I simply deny that it’s real.
I say I don’t want to feel trapped. I’m the one who has built the cage.
I say I don’t want to change my ways. I’ve spent countless hours on therapists’ couches to do just that.
I say there is no one out there with whom I click. I don’t even try. And if YOU try? God help you. I’m gone before your smile reaches your eyes. Not that I would know that for sure, since I’ll never look you in the eye.
I’ve learned the hard way that the only way to conquer fear is to walk through it. You’d think I could apply that lesson in this arena. But I’ve become so COMFORTABLE living with the fear. I’m like the frog in a slowly boiling pot of water, lulled into feeling safe. I don’t recognize my story when someone else is in it.
So how do I write the next chapter of my life with a new theme, one that involves staying put for something, for SOMEONE? Actually, I have no fucking clue.
But I think it may start with stillness and a smile.
What do you love enough to keep you in place? Or are you still taking flight?
Lindsay
/ February 11, 2010Aw. I wish you luck. Sometimes you have to stop thinking, stop analyzing, stop trying and just let life take you where it will.
.-= Lindsay´s last blog ..Pausing All Meaning =-.
emmajames
/ February 14, 2010Lindsay: Yeah, that’s what I’m attempting to do. Somewhat challenging for a control freak, but I’m working on it
Jennifer Prentice
/ February 11, 2010You said above that you’ve become so comfortable living with fear… I identify with that. That’s how it was for me when I was struggling with my eating disorder. I was comfortable with it. I’m not exactly sure how I stopped being so comfortable with it, except to just let it go. I remember saying “what’s the worst that can happen?” a lot…and then I’d just try my hardest to let it go…I hope that makes sense…I feel like I’m rambling now, so I think I’ll just stop typing! =)
emmajames
/ February 14, 2010Jenn: Actually, I know exactly what you’re talking about, having been down that road as well. As they say, when the pain of doing the same ole thing is finally worse than the pain associated with fear of something new, then shit happens. Anais Nin said it much better, but that’s the gist of it.
olive & hope
/ February 12, 2010Emma you know that we identify on the whole fear thing. I do think that you are so deserving of love (which if truth be told, has been my problem with love). And I have a sneaking suspicion that you will find your way there
I could go on and on, but I won’t. And I sooo understand being comfortable with fear. Until your not anymore. Which I believe is where we’re at mama!
You won the spot in the Across Mediums e-course by the way. Kate will be contacting you.
.-= olive & hope´s last blog ..Giving Away a Spot in An Experiment in Radical Creativity! =-.
emmajames
/ February 14, 2010O&H: Yep, two peas in a pod – so happy to have the company
And I can’t wait to do the e-course with you!! Thank you for the opportunity! xo
Molly
/ February 12, 2010I think everyone has some degree of fear when it comes to love, esp since it can be so painful when lost, but then when I think it about it, it can be painful not to have. What’s a girl to do? Being close to my family definitely has an impact on me. Good luck with the figuring out – being aware is half the battle.
ps – i love india arie
.-= Molly´s last blog ..a text. =-.
emmajames
/ February 14, 2010Molly: Thanks, chica. And I love the song too, but hadn’t listened to it in a while and then, serendipitously, as I was writing this post my iTunes was on shuffle and landed on the song just as I was coming to the realization that I am indeed ready for love, and it was just so perfect I had to include it. Love when that happens!