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I’ve just leaped into an e-course, Across Mediums, created by Kate Swoboda to nurture creativity. My registration was a prize granted by the lovely Olive & Hope. I thought it would be a piece of cake. After all, I have a drawer full of art supplies, I’m planning to open an Etsy shop in March and the IRS knows me as a writer. I scream CREATIVE, right? Well, kinda. Upon reflection, I’ve realized my creative nature is frequently on the losing side of a constant battle with the part of me that desperately seeks approval.
The art supplies in that drawer are covered in dust. The amount of procrastination that proceeded my current drive to open an Etsy shop is EPIC. The quantity of files stuffed with story ideas far out numbers that of completed scripts, novels or short stories written.
I yearn to be creative EVERY MINUTE OF THE DAY. And then fly to the kitchen for food, become obsessed with the dust bunnies under the bed, decide the cat looks lonely as she naps, grab the tv remote, or visit my yawning bank account online.
Anything to avoid the very thing I most want to do.
It’s not a pretty picture.
When I was a child, I wrote fairytales. The letters were backwards. Very little was spelled correctly. The stories were simplistic and usually involve unicorns. And I thought they were wonderful. I drew and painted and sculpted just to draw, paint and sculpt. Creating was A PLEASURE.
Because I wanted to EXPRESS. What? I’m not sure I even knew. I’m pretty confident it didn’t really matter. The moment was the reveal.
Then, at some point, everything changed. FEAR entered the picture. The need for approval. The need to not stand out, make waves, or get too noticed. The need to have a REASON for everything. The need to be BETTER THAN everyone else to be worthy at all. Competitiveness. Resentment. Jealousy. Procrastination. Money.
In the same way that dancing in front of the mirror and talking to my reflection while playing make-believe suddenly became an act of vanity, and then later an opportunity to pick myself apart and pinch the proof of my failings, making art transformed from being an act of pure joy to being not so far removed from a sin.
But I’m done. I’m 40 years old. Half my life (if I’m lucky) has passed. I want to be in communion with my true nature, with my creativity.
But the opponents are entrenched.
So, I’m changing tactics.
What is it they say? For every person called a terrorist, someone can be found who will claim her as a freedom fighter. While neatly (for the moment) side-stepping the socio-political implication of that statement, I must embrace its truth in regard to my approach to creativity. I think it’s time I terrorized myself a bit to ultimately gain creative freedom.
Put another way, I’m ready to walk through the fire and feel the pain of confronting fear, guilt, shame, and whatever else rears its ugly head as I commit to FOCUSED CREATIVITY for the next two weeks and beyond. Hell, maybe I’ll even dance to my reflection in front of the mirror.
What are you doing to embrace your true nature? And when was the last time you played with crayons? Up for some scribbling tonight?
LA Cochran
/ February 16, 2010Ooo, I think you’re going to have fun with this class.
You’re right–the biggest thing stopping us from being creative is our own inner critic. If you can let that go, you’re golden!
My creativity comes in bursts. I dabble. From one medium to the next. Much fun! And no expectations.
.-= LA Cochran´s last blog .."And me, I’m flying in my taxi" –Harry Chapin =-.
emmajames
/ February 18, 2010LACochran: Dabbling is wonderful. And my creativity comes in bursts as well. There’s a great TED talk by Elizabeth Gilbert that talks about how creativity comes, and goes. Check it out, if you haven’t already.
Peregrine John
/ February 16, 2010I found the monster under the bed.
He shook, and begged me not to hurt him.
How could I?
He was me.
emmajames
/ February 18, 2010John: Aw, yes. Such a simply and revealing little story. Love it.
Lindsey
/ February 16, 2010Why is it so hard, to do what we really want? It is wise, I think, to look carefully at the behaviors that we hide behind, the sneaky ways we avoid … at least I can benefit from this.
Good luck with the course – it sounds fabulous.
.-= Lindsey´s last blog ..The rocky path to grace =-.
emmajames
/ February 18, 2010Lindsey: Thank you. I wish I knew why fear holds such sway. It’s an instinct on steroids, so overgrown and now more harmful than helpful. But the course is fun, challenging and worthwhile, I’m finding.
olive & hope
/ February 16, 2010oh Emma, beautifully said! I’m right there with you sister…and I’m so excited that you get to participate – so sad that I’m not joining you!!! I will participate in spirit. It’s been a long while since I’ve played with crayons…that is definitely in order
Kate’s Courageous Year e-course is what’s helping me at the moment, to embrace my true nature. So I can get on with living fully…already!
emmajames
/ February 18, 2010O&H: I’m bummed you couldn’t join, but I’m sure the Courageous Year journey is awesome. I’m really enjoying the gift of this 2 weeks of creativity. I’m hoping to expand the approach to the rest of my life outside the 20-60 minutes each day I’ve reserved for it. Struggling to shift perspective to seeing life as overflowing RIGHT NOW, regardless of circumstances.
Kate T.W.
/ February 16, 2010Walking through fire. Yes. That’s often what it feels like to me. That course sounds great. This is so beautifully stated, and makes me feel stronger. This is a great dose of “yah!” A big inspiration for me is Lynda Barry and especially her book What It Is: Writing the Impossible. She says that when we’re creating, we’re open, like listening to a joke and then laughing. When we’re done creating, we typically only think 2 things: Is it good, or does it suck. Open, laughing brain vs. judging brain. I think of this many times a day as a recovering creatively stuck person.
.-= Kate T.W.´s last blog ..Sending Loving Kindness to Myself… Circa 1992 =-.
emmajames
/ February 18, 2010Kate: Oh, I LOVE this! Must go find that book. My judging brain can even intrude mid-laugh. It’s constantly shouting. The only time it is silent is when I’m deeply immersed in creativity, particularly writing. That’s one of the reasons I love writing so very much – the gift of a silent brain. Ahhhh!
whollyjeanne
/ February 16, 2010i love it when you start sentences with “hell.” have spent the past 3 weeks being bullied by the to do list, and have missed you like nobody’s business. this course sounds like a good thing for you. i’ll be expecting frequent updates, m’kay? oh, sugar, i just love you to a crisp.
.-= whollyjeanne´s last blog ..nancy, an unlikely shero =-.
emmajames
/ February 18, 2010Jeanne: Hell, I don’t know what to say to that. I love you to bits and bits! And I suggest saying to hell with the “to do” list – you deserve some Jeanne time! Even if it’s just 20 minutes to commune with the sky, DO IT! Just don’t add it to your “to do” list.
Alana
/ February 17, 2010Oh yay! I’m so excited (and a tad bit jealous) you won the course. But of course you did – it’s the perfect next step in your gorgeously painful transformation. Looking forward to hearing more…
.-= Alana´s last blog ..Fish poop =-.
emmajames
/ February 18, 2010Alana: Yeah, the “gorgeously painful transformation” could be a tad bit less painful, if anyone’s asking. Thanks for the cheers, though!
Bonnie
/ February 18, 2010Shake it, shake it, shake it in that mirror until everything else falls away!!
Strong post here. One I shall surely read again!
.-= Bonnie´s last blog ..Self-Actualization or Bust =-.
emmajames
/ February 18, 2010Bonnie: Thanks so much! And I’m a shaking it. In fact, even when I stop shaking it, it continues to shake, FOR A VERY LONG TIME. A little alarming.
Square-Peg Karen
/ February 19, 2010“pinch the proof of my failings” WHOA, what a phrase – here’s to you doing a blooming TON of stuff that doesnt’ involve pinching–like the dancing – oh, enjoy! enjoy! and , like jeanne, i want to hear ALL about it – sorry i missed the night you were crayoning — I’d come crayon with you any day!
.-= Square-Peg Karen´s last blog ..Go Touch Hearts =-.
emmajames
/ February 21, 2010Karen: I’ll definitely toast to that! The creative journey in this e-course has been VERY INTERESTING. I’ll fill you, and everyone else, in at some point in the coming week, I promise.