by Pregnancy Education/flickr
Perhaps there is a man out there who will someday sweep me off my feet, or whose feet I will knock out from under him. Perhaps not. The likelihood that, if it happens, it will occur before my uterus retires for this lifetime is slim. I do not have the financial means nor heart’s desire to get pregnant on my own. Therefore, there is an extremely high probability that I will not have children of my own. It’s an incredibly uncomfortable reality to examine. I don’t want any more grief. I’m not sure what my feelings should be about it. I have NO CLUE what they actually are.
I’ve always been clear that I would never want to duplicate the same mistakes my parents made while raising me. There is much about family life, as I’ve perceived it, that isn’t worth repeating or perpetuating. I’m definitely not confident that I would be anything more than a complete, derelict, basket case of a mother. Note: That is not a reflection of my own mother, I swear.
On the other hand, I adore children and they tend to adore me. At least until they hit those terrible twos. Then, they become mean, vindictive little monsters and inflict mortal wounds upon my psyche with alarming accuracy and ease.
I’ve also always thought that the physical and emotional experience of pregnancy is such an integral part of being female that foregoing it makes me something less than a complete woman. I want to know what it feels like to create life. Without the extra hair growth, stretch marks, nausea, increased hormonal imbalance, and potential for torn bits, of course.
Most of my friends have at least one child. My sister-in-law is pregnant with her second. Being of a certain age and not having children makes me OTHER THAN. I’m excluded from the club. And yes, there is a club. Anyone who thinks otherwise is either still so young as to be annoyingly idealistic or so deeply entrenched in parentdom as to be oblivious to the prevalence of a specific social paradigm to which women are supposed to adhere.
I wouldn’t mind this if I overtly wished to make some contrarian statement with my childless or child-free state. I don’t. I tend to like a lot of the folks who are card-carrying members of the Parent Class. Yet somehow I’ve ended up on the wrong side of the tracks.
I know many women who have lost a child, whether by miscarriage or other tragic life events. I simply can’t comprehend such pain. I have absolutely no wish to know it. And how does it compare to that of knowing you’ll never have that which someone else had but then lost? I’m too chicken to want to find out.
If fact, any condition that involves FEELINGS tends to give me the heebie-jeebies. This is somewhat problematic since my emotions have always had more influence on my actions than my mind. In order to survive this conundrum, I dart about the edges of life, rarely engaging completely and shying away from anything or anyone that might potentially carry the scent of COMMITMENT, of any kind.
Parenting is the ultimate commitment.
By exhibiting what some might consider subconscious, passive-aggressive behavior, I’ve steered clear of it. Now I find myself on an entirely different road, with no visible exits. And I’m consumed with thoughts of what the view might be like in that other direction. I feel like someone else took over the controls of my life. I didn’t actively CHOOSE to be where I am.
It’s crazy-making.
Then, of course, there’s the little issue of my secret ponderings. I wonder if maybe it’s not too late. I consider the dangers of relinquishing this amorphous dream, which I’ve never fully embraced, of having a child by someone with whom I want to create and share the magic of life. If I accept it will never materialize, am I killing the possibility that it might?
This, too, is crazy-making.
The only solution I’ve discovered for quieting my brain about this issue while avoiding as many feelings as possible is to create other life questions over which I can go mad…
Why is my left boob sagging to a disproportionately greater degree than my right?
How will I pay my bills in ten years? Should I have walked away from that guy in 1992?
Am I the only person who is intimidated by the Foreman’s Grill?
Why are dust bunnies and mildew trying to take over my home?
Just think, I spend hours caught up with these questions. What if I had A KID in this condition? I just saw you shudder!
Yes, sarcasm and humor make relinquishing a dream slightly more palatable, but it still kinda blows chunks. One more think I don’t think I could handle? A puking kid. But then again, I do clean up after my cat.
So, at the moment, I exist in a bitter-sweet purgatory of inaction. The dream drifts away while I’m still trying to decipher it. Perhaps, I simply need to wake up and focus on the concrete moments of pleasure in my day rather the hanging out with the Oneiroi…
Have you ever relinquished a dream? Have you ever held on to one despite yourself? have you ever felt like an accidental rebel without a cause?
verybadcat
/ February 28, 2010i held on to the dreams i had for my marriage about a year too long before finally accepting their dusty death.
i always thought it was a rough patch, that things would work out, that we would come out of it. i didn’t think that he was being who he was. i didn’t want to see who he was. i wanted to be a mother too, i wanted a silver anniversary and an epic love story. i got a signed separation agreement and a second chance.
i don’t know what the future holds for you, but i know it saddens me to think that you might not be a mother. i think you would be a good one.
.-= verybadcat´s last blog ..I’m Kind of A Big Deal =-.
emmajames
/ February 28, 2010VBC: Oh, you’ve got me all teary-eyed! Thank you for your honesty in this comment. I’m so glad you’ve got your second chance!
gail
/ February 28, 2010Children bring one to the edges of all the extremes of emotion, both good and bad. I think, frankly, far fewer people should have them. It is hard to do them justice.
I am 60, I have held on too long to some dreams and have had to give up many more. I grew up in a malfunctioning household, stayed in a marriage too long, became engaged to a man who was a disaster for me but who stood for my dream of being a couple, came to grips with the limitations imposed by a child’s mental illness and brain injury. I am still searching for the elusive cause, reason for being, purpose of life. But mostly I just look around and marvel, contributing nothing.
.-= gail´s last blog ..Little bits of paradise =-.
emmajames
/ February 28, 2010Gail: It sounds to me like you contribute a great deal. Thank you for sharing a bit of your story. And welcome to PN!
Lindsey
/ February 28, 2010This is so lovely, so raw, so honest.
I know that part of the turmoil inside of me now is accepting that some of my dreams aren’t going to come to pass. It’s not easy, as you say – it can be crazy-making. Good for you for having such good humor, and for recognizing that that can defuse it.
And yes, by the way, children are the ultimate commitment. I tell people that all the time. Forget the marriage. That’s actually nothing, in my view, compared to the children. They are permanent, indelible.
emmajames
/ February 28, 2010Lindsey: Thank you, chica. I’m honored by your support and I’m continually moved by what you reveal as well.
olive & hope
/ March 1, 2010Oh Emma. I have held tightly onto so much through the years. A relationship that went from great to disaster in a matter of months, a job (a boss) that gave crazy making a whole new meaning, and the biggest one of all – having babies. I am still holding onto the last one. I’m going to be 40 later this year, and I haven’t been able to conceive (yet). I’m not ready to give up, but I will say that the grip has loosened, and I am so thankful for that.
I recognize so many of your emotions in this post. All of my friends have kids, and I love them, but I wonder what it would be like to bear and raise and love my own. I cried in a department store last year when I found out my brand new sister in law was pregnant, because there is a feeling of not being a whole woman unless you give birth. My first thought was I will be looked at as the daughter in law that can’t produce a grandchild. I know intellectually this is not true – both that I will be viewed as some sort of loser, and that I cannot be a whole woman without the experience. But I do feel you on this one!! xo
.-= olive & hope´s last blog ..Blowing the Lid Off the Small Box. =-.
emmajames
/ March 1, 2010O&H: Thank you so much for your honesty in your comment – it is beautiful. And I’m relieved that you “get it” too. I will send lots of good juju that your wish regarding children comes true. And I truly appreciate the inspiration about loosening one’s grip on things. I look forward to continuing down the road of crazy life watching your journey as well.