Today is the first day of #reverb10 and I’ve got a bevy of butterflies in my stomach. Last year’s journey through #best09 was revelatory – it brought me insight, sanity, friendship, discipline. So part of me wants to leap into the stratosphere of expectations about what the next 31 days will reveal, to me and to everyone else who is taking the ride. But then, I remember one of the lessons that has taken deepest root in my mind over the past months:

life is best lived in the current…

Only now, as I write this, do I realize the full significance of my word choice.

CURRENT

“in the now”

“the velocity of flow”

Trying to swim against the current or get ahead of it tends to leave me floundering and exhausted. I’ve discovered this the hard way. Therefore, I’m letting go of expectations and entering this #reverb10 adventure with eyes wide open, arms out-flung and full consciousness of this moment alone.

WWHHHEEEEE!

Today’s Prompt: Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you? (via @gwenbell)

RECOVERY

This year was definitely one of HEALING. Anyone who has been around these parts for a while, or who wants to catch up via the memory lane of post archives, will know that 2009 kicked my ass. I was flayed, shredded, shattered and otherwise reduced to a basket case of raw and bloody pulp. At the beginning of 2010, I was overwhelmed with financial debt and jobless, lacking in self-esteem as well as trust in humanity, unable to make sense of my self or the world around me, and seriously questioning the value of expending energy enough to breathe.

by sarboom / flickr

When one is that low, there are only two choices – get up or stay down. I chose to get up.

It was as awkward, painful, messy and invigorating as I imagine pushing one’s way through a birth canal might be.

I had to learn how to get my feet back under me and stand without crutches, on limbs as shaky as those of a new colt. I found a new, rewarding, supportive job environment. I simplified my relationships and responsibilities. I hunkered down on my couch when I felt like it and dressed like a princess when the mood struck.

I’m not the same person I was a year ago. There are vestiges of my former self – both beautiful and moth-eaten – but I am stronger and more vibrant. I bend more willingly, knowing now that I won’t break. I feel solid again.

Now, looking forward to 2011, I curl my toes into the ground and reach up. I’m ready for GROWTH. I’m ready for EXPANSION. I’m ready for BLOSSOMING.

At the end of 2011, I hope to look back on the year and say, simply, that it was:

FIREWORKS

by Michael in San Diego, CA / flickr

What would your word be for 2010?

7-26-10

“I used to believe… that growing and growing up are analogous, that both are inevitable and uncontrollable processes. Now it seems to me that growing up is governed by the will, that one can choose to become an adult, but only at given moments. These moments come along fairly infrequently – during crises in relationships, for example, or when one has been given the chance to start afresh somewhere – and one can ignore them or seize them.” — Nick Hornby

At the moment, I’m seizing the moment. It isn’t graceful, but I’m happy for having the choice.

What choices are you making? What moments are you seizing today? Do tell!

Why?

I guess I’m not quite as ready for change as I thought. Or perhaps, more accurately, I do not have the funds or css/html knowledge to create my vision in a new template with any greater satisfaction than that I find with the original.

And change simply for the sake of change is not my objective.

After countless hours – truly a ridiculously alarming number too large to share – of scrolling through the hundreds of free themes out there, I selected a couple that I thought might maintain elements of my original design while also lightening things up a bit to reflect the shift I’m trying to make in my life.

I tweaked the first option as best I could, but there were a few elements – the yellow highlighting and the chartreuse floral – that I truly despised, and which seemed to be locked in to the theme.

First New Look

Then, a trusted friend and loyal reader informed me that the theme showed up broken in her browser. There was no question, then, that it must be rejected forthwith.

Yes, I said FORTHWITH. I watched Lost In Austen last night on Netflix – feeling very anglophile today.

On to the second option.

Second New Look

I tweaked this one as well, also within the limitations of my html knowledge and patience. It was fine. Very readable.

But SO FUCKING BORING!

It just felt plain, plain, PLAIN. The simplicity of it seemed devoid of character.

For me.

I know a blog is about the words. But I’m never just about the words. I want to enfold you in an experience. I want this to be place you can sink into or dance through, depending on your mood and mine, but mostly I want you to FEEL and THINK and BE.

And I didn’t feel anything when I looked at that design. I felt entirely objective and ambivalent, like when I glance at the LA Times while in line for my egg sandwich at Starbucks. I wasn’t curious. I wasn’t invested. I wasn’t drawn in and made to feel present.

Now, I realize that you may feel none of these things anyway when you visit Pleasure Notes. But I do. And, after this little experiment, I’ve realized I don’t need to change the dressing on Pleasure Notes any more than I need a boob job or liposuction to reflect better self-esteem. Not that I’m equating the significance of a change in blog design with that of plastic surgery, but I’m hoping you get the picture. So for the time being, I’m opting out of change.

At least change of the cosmetic sort.

My original Pleasure Notes template:

Original Look

New Look, Option One:

First New Look

And New Look, Option Two is what you are reading at the moment:

Second New Look

No promises regarding which of the three directions I’m going, but I’d really love your feedback – which is your favorite and why, pros and cons, etc.

Thanks a ton, my lovely readers! Hope you’re having a delightful weekend…

xo

4-26-10

Ready to burst out of your shell, today? Or do you need a little more incubation? It’s always a choice. Listen to your intuition and commit to your actions with confidence. There is no wrong decision as long as a true decision is made.

xo

Can you think of three daily activities that consistently bring you joy?

What surprises me most as I addressed this question for myself is that I’ve come up with more than three things almost immediately. For the purposes of the exercise, I’ve adhered to the three item limit, but it’s incredibly reassuring to know that I have the luxury of CHOICE in deciding what to identify that consistently puts a smile on my face.

1. Meditating with my cat.
2. Steeping my morning cup of tea.
3. Slipping into my pjs at the end of the day.

Three simple, daily activities that I ALWAYS enjoy. They help me remember that no matter how frustrated I am with how any given day is going, it is NEVER all bad.

Isn't life just like a bowl of cherries?

So, what are three things that daily bring you joy?

by Dave Wilson Photography/flickr

When All the World’s Asleep

Sometimes I hear the weeping, and I don’t know what to do.

Should I call the cops? Would I even get through?

They say a 9-1-1 operator fell asleep on the phone.

Could be an urban legend. Then again, who really knows?

***

You hear those stories of collateral damage. I’ve been told a few –

Where some idiot Good Samaritan decides the noise is his clue,

And tries to be a hero. Instead he ends up dead.

That’s not on my agenda. Smarter to just stay in bed.

***

Besides, the weeping could be anything, or accessed on cue.

It’s a town of actresses, right? So, what’s really true?

Can I sit and do nothing? Turns out, it’s not that hard at all.

I just mind my own business, and stay on this side of the wall.

***

So when the cops band on my door one night, at half past two,

To tell me the neighbor crushed his girlfriend, and killed himself too,

I can honestly look them in the eye and say “That’s a shame,”

Then sleep like a baby, not feeling an once of blame.

***

After all, people make their own choices, pick their own crews.

I didn’t ask to live next door, or know what I knew.

And my cheek bones aren’t broken. I’m not tasting blood.

I do pity them, though, and thank God I’m not in love.

***

I wrote this to open up the conversation about personal responsibility and community engagement. I’d love to know what you think about the issues.

When are you compelled to step outside your comfort zone to call out someone else’s behavior? Where do you draw the line between personal responsibility and community engagement, between holding your peace and speaking out?

A few months ago, Lubna went to a cafe. She was wearing pants. She was arrested. Other women were arrested too. The other women accepted their punishment. Lubna did not. In the past month, Lubna has attempted to raise awareness about the punishment and, more importantly, about the law itself – a barbaric misinterpretation of Koranic Law resulting in Sudanese policy that women can not wear pants in public.

And Lubna has been successful, both in Sudan and abroad. She wants the law changed. Others agree. Her courage has inspired theirs. They showed up at her trial today, to lend her their support. Some of the women even wore pants (and were promptly arrested). Faced with so much attention, the judge decided to fine Lubna rather than force physical punishment on her.

And this is the moment.

This is the moment in which most people would see a straight road to freedom, accept the ruling, and run. For Lubna, however, this moment is her crossroads. She is refusing to pay the fine. She risks imprisonment, and potentially worse physical punishment than the initial charge conveyed, but standing by her charge that the law itself should be invalidated.

This has never been about Lubna not wanting to get hurt. She wants to change the system. And, as much as the idea that a woman could be brutally punished for wearing pants shocks me, the idea that one individual could have the courage to suddenly stand against the status quo, with a rallying cry of “NO MORE,” awes me.

Lubna isn’t the first person to do this. She isn’t even the first woman. And, I hope, she won’t be the last. I just wonder what mixture of nurture and nature made it so that she is one of the select few who step so far out of their comfort zone that they attempt to change the world for the rest of us, and enter the annals of history.

I do not think I am this kind of person. Perhaps I am, but I have yet to be tested. It’s possible. It is more likely, however, that I am one of the many who would have just accepted the flogging. I could easily have been the one to pee my pants in fear. Or, hell, I probably wouldn’t have worn pants in the first place. Fear is a powerful thing.

Thank god there are people out there, like Lubna, who remind me that, while fear may indeed by powerful, it isn’t ALL POWERFUL. It can be overcome.

Hidden

There is a famous Anais Nin quote that states, “…And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” You will find it scrawled in many yearbooks, inserted at the base of many emails and posted to many refrigerator doors. And then we all ignore the gentle reminder to allow ourselves to step out into the light, to reveal our true selves, to end the child’s game of hide and seek with that which makes us happy.

How many hours have we all spent in the closet? What? You thought it was reserved just for those persecuted for their sexual preferences? Hell, no. Now, I am not trivializing how devastating that particular reason must be for communing with the coat hangers. I’m simply saying that there’s room in there for anyone who is not showing his or her authentic self to the world. it takes a lot of courage to step into the light, whether it be to proclaim your love for someone who sports the same genitalia as you or your decision to pursue music over math or your obsession with accounting.

Or even your preference for Toy Poodles over Labrador Retrievers. Although, to be honest, I do have some judgment about that one. There actually may be something wrong with you if you prefer Toy Poodles. Standard Poodles, I get. But Toy ones? Please feel free to help me see the light on that.

Anyway, my point is that it is time to step out of hiding. At least, it is that time for me. The sun is bright. My skin is sensitive. But happiness is so much more expansive, inclusive and healing than fear. It is worth taking the risk.