by Mike tn / flickr

I wanted the world around me to slow down and simplify.

I wanted to remain slow and simple.

I realized the deadlines I’d set for my work projects were arbitrary and things could remain unresolved into the new year. I remembered that the point of the holidays was to be present in the moment in the presence of the people I love rather than to give or get the perfect present. And I recognized that I was frustrated in my experience with #reverb10. This was the hardest thing to reconcile, because I so adore the intent of it and those who created it as well as the bloggers who I’ve discovered through the process. I received and was able to give so many gifts through my participation in #best09. It’s taken me a few weeks to recognize that the gifts of #reverb10 have been as great but in entirely different packaging.

I’ve discovered that I now have the strength and clarity to change my circumstances if I’m not getting what I need from something (or, even, someone). This is heady for me, particularly when I’m turning away from something/someone from which/whom I have gotten what I’ve needed in the past and likely may again in the future.

So, I haven’t been here.

I’ve chosen to unplug in order to reflect upon this year and to articulate what actions I intend to take in the coming one. I’ve also chosen, to a great degree, not to do any reflection or articulating at all. Instead, I’ve…

had snowball fights with my brother,

danced til I was dizzy with my niece,

cooed at my nephew,

shared moments of peace with my mom,

talked in easy non-sequiturs with my dad,

placed calls to extended family and far away friends

and watched sunsets without camera in hand or attention paid to the clock or need for a witness.

I’ve found proof that peace is attained by accomplishing the little things and taking the baby steps like…

finally picking up the dry-cleaning I dropped off a month ago,

jotting down ideas for a chapter without the perfect sentence,

taking a walk even though I only have 20 minutes instead of 60,

saying “I hear you” when it occurs to me someone might not know it.

I’ve avoided THE SELL, whether it was found in…

an innocuous tweet announcing a follower threshold about to be broken,

a holiday card with a discount coupon embedded in the “personal” felicitation,

a free companion gift when one is enough,

or ads, ads, ads of any kind.

At this point in my life, I’m only ever filled with angst when I try to figure out where, how and why I fit into other people’s puzzles. So, I’ve decided to play for a while on my own game board. It’s a glorious place, filled with magic and slides, trinkets and prizes, spinning tops and the occasional roll of a die.

Never fear. I’ll be announcing the play-by-play, just not always in simulcast.

Where have you been? Are you knee deep in play, ready to jump in the game or still deciding what move to make? Wherever you are, CELEBRATE IT!

by Shutter Daddy / flickr

I’m off to a baseball game this evening. I know virtually nothing about how the game is played.

But there are Cracker Jacks and a time out for stretching. So what if I’m the only one who does a sun salutation at this point in the game.

I like how some of the athletes look in their little leggings, but appreciate that baseball uniforms are to men what skinny jeans and bubble skirts are to women – very few individuals actually look good in them.

I will be wearing my skinny jeans in solidarity.

by Mamluke/flickr

I’d only attempted this mind-bending game once before, on an airplane. On that occasion, my frustration level grew so high that an air marshal would have surely intervened had I not quickly admitted defeat. Yesterday was different, however. Yesterday, my father stated that the Sudoku puzzle he was playing was impossible to solve… And I was compelled to pick up the gauntlet.

To put this remarkable behavior in context, I must reveal that my father is incredibly competitive and has mastered the manipulation of numbers and words. Scrabble is a blood sport to this man. So for him to say he can’t solve a puzzle is about as common an occurrence as me announcing I’ve just fit into a size 2 pair of jeans.

I couldn’t possibly ignore the situation, family holiday or not.

by amirjina/flickr

What if I could solve this game that had defeated him?

I’ve spent most of my life secretly wishing to do this – without cheating. To no avail. Do you have any idea how annoying it is to know, every time you play a game of Boggle or whatever with someone, that you will lose? Issues, I tell you, it creates ISSUES.

So I picked up the Sudoku puzzle that had brought my father to his knees.

I methodically examined each blank square and slowly eliminated numerical choices. I was entirely focused on the exercise. I took my time at each point through the grid. I wasn’t playing for an outcome, but rather the moment directly in front of me.

Then, something amazing happened. I filled in the first blank… the second blank…

This was as far as my father had gotten.

I pressed on.

Holy crap!

I figured out four more numbers – bam, bam, bam and BAM!

And here’s where things started to get interesting. Because suddenly, I could SMELL BLOOD. Here was my chance to do the impossible – to best my dad. I could SOLVE this thing.

by dracorubio/flickr

Everything changed.

I no longer approached each blank square in the moment. My objective was to win, win, WIN. Preferably before my father went to bed, which he hinted was imminent.

My instincts told me to slow down, maintain my methodical approach. I ignored them.

My ego started planning a victory dance. I suggested streamers and balloons.

You know where this is going, right?

RUIN.

Two eights in the same row. Only six empty boxes remaining. Hell.

Time stopped.

I took a deep breath. I looked at the whole board, for perhaps the first time since I’d gotten those initial six numbers in place. I discovered that two additional rows – rows I had assumed to be perfect – had the same number twice.

I HADN’T BEEN PAYING ATTENTION.

Somewhere, in the frenzy to win, I had lost my way. Somehow, in the cacophony of ego, pride and stubbornness, I had stopped listening to my intuition.

AND I LOST.

A simple game of Sudoku slapped me into shape. And I couldn’t be happier.

HUH?

I may not have solved the puzzle, you see, but I received two valuable reminders:

1. Focus on the process, not the outcome.
2. Intuition serves me better than ego.

A pretty great outcome, I think.

What lesson did you learn today?

February is the shortest month of the year, and there’s a Holiday Weekend stuck in there, so you’d think it would be the busiest and best month too. Unfortunately, February is also the rainiest month, at least in Southern California, and prolonged rain makes me go stark raving mad. Clinically. Then, there’s that little economic problem to deal with. Unless you were on a cruise to Antarctica for the past 28 days, you already know the Stock Market decided to commit seppuku, and the Dow is down 11.72% for the month. Don’t you wish you’d spent February getting sea sick and taking pictures of penguins? So, this month, perhaps more than any other, it is vital for me to highlight some moments that brought me pleasure.

1. New Glasses. I was one of those kids who sported braces and fish-eye glasses, which then morphed into very classy, graduated-shading, bug-eyed lens, and finally to the social status-reviving freedom of contacts. When I got Lasik about 10 years ago, it was the coolest thing ever. I could see the alarm clock from the bed. I could recognize people on the street before I walked past them. I could distinguish the difference between dolphins and sharks prior to inducing a panic attack. So, when my Optometrist recently recommended that I get myself some prescription lens for night driving and movie viewing, you’d think I’d feel dismay. Instead, I got super excited. I successfully ignored the fact that this purchase would be an expense for which I hadn’t budgeted, and that the need for lens might be construed as indicative of my advancing age. Instead, I saw this as the perfect opportunity to play dress up. Since I don’t have to wear them all the time, these new glasses get to be an accessory… I decided to go with the sexy geek look. It works for me. And, yes, I can see the traffic at night now too. Lots of cars out there.
2. Scrabble with Dad. My pops made an appearance in Hollywood to spend some quality time with me. A short but sweet visit. And, as usual, he beat the pants off me at Scrabble. I rarely win the damn thing – for which I convincingly blame bad luck letter draws – but I still love this word game. So much, in fact, that if Scrabbulous was still around, you might find me on FB more often. Those cute little wooden squares are simply irresistible.
3. Duncan Sheik. If you’ve heard his music, and listened to the lyrics, you’ll know this munchkin of a man is clearly the love child of David Lynch and Tim Burton. The dude goes to some seriously dark and twisted places, surrounded by beautiful melodies. His latest concept album, Whisper House, is about a little boy who is dumped at a lighthouse to be terrorized by ghosts after his father dies and his mother has a breakdown. Cool shit. He played at the Echoplex in Los Angeles recently. I won tickets to the show – how fantastic is that! – from KCRW, my fave music dispensary and the sponsoring radio station. Damn, but there’s not much better than listening to good music, live, with a Newcastle in hand, and money still in your pocket.
4. Sycamore Cove. About 15 miles north of Malibu on the PCH, this pristine beach is just far enough away that I’d never visited it before. A travesty! On the late February day I finally went, dolphins frolicked just outside the break, huge pieces of driftwood made me ache for a camera, and only five other people were visible along the entire stretch of sand. Great hiking trails were waiting for us on the other side of the road, in Point Mugu State Park, but I’ll be going back to get my toes wet.
5. Abandoning Arrowhead. This may seem like a random event to highlight as particularly pleasurable, but it’s sort of a big deal for me. You see, I’ve had Arrowhead Water delivered to my house for years now. There is a myth in Los Angeles that the tap water will kill you, or at least make you look your age. Increasingly, however, I’ve been wanting to do my part to curb global warming, etc., and it’s been harder and harder to ignore the facts about how much damage the bottled water industry creates. But I’m a creature of habit. And I prefer to drink my water out of bottles – yes, I know Freud would have a field day with me but, really, the bottle issue is only the tip of the iceberg. So I’ve been very reluctant to try anything else. In addition, the last time I got a bee in my bonnet about all this, I went out and bought a Brita Filter for my faucet and the damn thing didn’t fit. But the Arrowhead Mountain Spring Water Company did for me what I could not do for myself. They screwed up on two consecutive deliveries. So I kicked them to the curb, got myself a Brita Pitcher, and crossed one more expense off my “potentially expendable” list. Yippee for me!

As I said, it’s a short month. It’s fitting, then, that this be a short list. Many other truly pleasurable things happened this month. And the torrential rain finally stopped. Honestly, looking back, I wouldn’t have wanted the last 28 days any other way than the way I got them.

So that’s my February. How was yours?