Available at Graham&Green

Easter was one of my favorite holidays when I was a kid. I vaguely knew that there was some religious association attached to it, something about that Jesus dude living or dying or something and somebody moving a big rock in a cave, but Easter was really all about the basket of chocolate awaiting me at the dining room table and the subsequent sugar-induced mania of the Easter Egg Hunt. I no longer eat chocolate, and I have no yard in which to hide eggs or children from whom to hide them. So drooling over these cute little ceramic Egg Hurricane Lanterns from Graham&Green, available in pink, blue and white, is my new way of paying homage to the Easter Bunny.

Egg Hurricane Lantern

And yes, I still believe in the Easter Bunny. Don’t shatter my illusions!

Valentine’s Day is just one week away and, I’ve got to admit, I’m bored by flowers and chocolate and candle-lit dinners. Give me those things when they’re an actual surprise. I don’t think I’m alone in this sentiment, either. Ladies? Just think how much more pleasurable it would be to receive this precious little wand of vibrating decadence – a platinum vibrator, ringed in .66 carats worth of VS1 diamonds, and controlled by one AA battery.

Made by Jimmyjane

Let’s pause a moment to reflect on that description. Nope, you did not misread. It’s PLATINUM, the same shit marketers say every girl wants around her finger to hold up a – you guessed it – DIAMOND. And some upstart, California-based company, founded in 2003, has the balls to design a joy stick for the va-jay-jay – and wherever else your inventiveness and proclivities may take it – made out of those two precious design elements?

Bling

Well, Hell’s Bells, people! Any man who cares enough about my pleasure to grant me this kind of extravagant joy is worth brushing my teeth for. But maybe I’m alone in this. What do you think, my rapacious readers? What do you think of Jimmyjane’s Little Platinum Eternity Vibe? Is this Pleasure Find something you could get excited about, or is it just another example of our debauched society and moral decline?

Living in Los Angeles is a bit like living in a Vegas casino – and I’m not talking The Wynn, more like Circus Circus. Not only do you forget here that humans naturally age, and that unattractive people can be happy without having to own a studio or a Bentley, but you also lose track of time. Particularly now that television networks are launching new series throughout the year, it is very difficult to follow the passing of the seasons. Winter, and the accompanying December holidays, arrives as a particular shock. Dread starts to set in – How could this have happened? Where did June, July, and August go? What the hell am I going to get Dad that he doesn’t already have? and How can I possibly get done everything I resolved to accomplish in 2008 in the next two weeks? The simplest way to kill the dread is by smothering it with pleasure.

Here are a couple tips:

1) Find something pretty to look at, and focus on it until your eyes get tired. This works much better than sticking your head under a pillow and moaning.

I’d suggest Rune Guneriussen’s photographs, for starters.

Lamps Perched in Snow-Covered Trees

Whimsical and fanciful and fabulous, don’t you think? I want the above scenario in my back yard, except I don’t have a back yard.

The flag of Norway.

Rune Guneriussen is from Norway, where being whimsical and fanciful and fabulous is the norm – anything to combat the lack of sunlight and a Viking ancestry. In creating a world where inanimate objects – lamps, chairs, phones – come to life, he is able to transport us to an alternate universe and tell a story so clearly you might just swear you heard what the lamp shades were whispering to each other.

2) Relax and/or have a nice romp with someone you like. Both actions are good for your circulation, which is important for keeping you warm in the winter.

Since your eyes are now tired from staring at Rune Guneriussen’s amazing photographs, go into a darkened room and light a candle. If you are with someone, someone with whom you’d eventually like to do a little hanky-panky, I suggest you use a bwarm candle from BSwish. It comes in three different scents – fig wood, rose patchouli, and amber. Not only does this candle smell amazing, it is beautiful. It comes in a simple, clean, sensually curved, white ceramic holder. And it has one or two tricks up its proverbial sleeve. (Full disclosure: a) I’m not getting a kick-back from BSwish, b) BSwish also makes some cute sex toys, and c) you can get the candle via the Amazon widget in the sidebar.)

bwarm candle - amber

Not only is candlelight more gentle on tired eyes – unless you are trying to read fine print, it is the most flattering form of light. If I was into physics I might be able to tell you why that’s the case, but physics fills me with dread and this is all about ridding ourselves of that, right?

The BSwish candles are made from soy wax, which is better for your health and the environment. But there’s an even better benefit – soy wax melts at a lower temperature. And what’s to be done with not-so-hot hot wax? This is where the someone you brought with you comes into play.

That feels good...

When the wax in these particular candles melts, it magically turns into an awesome massage oil. Here, again, I could explain how it’s not really magic, if I was into chemistry, but chemistry also fills me with dread unless it’s the pheromone kind. Regardless, the massage oil pours perfectly from the ingeniously designed ceramic holder and the secret purpose for its shape is now revealed.

If you are sufficiently invigorated by whatever happens after the candle starts melting, it is time to venture out into the night. Or, if you’ve found the right someone, stay in and follow tip #3 another day. Either way, don’t forget to blow out the candle. We have enough fires in California already, and forests need to be preserved.

3) The closest we come to a forest in the middle of Los Angeles is Griffith park. Every December, the Los Angeles Department of Water and Power creates the Holiday Light Festival. It consists of a series of tableaus – some cheesy, most seemingly from the 70’s, and the occasional inventive creation – outlined in Christmas lights along a strip of road through the park, and open for the public to view.

Hello Frosty

I highly recommend taking the walking tour, partly because the traffic can get squirrely but mostly because it’s just more pleasurable to wander at your leisure. It gives you a chance to listening to the squeals of excited kids, who hopefully don’t know what dread even is yet, and the sardonic quips of jaded hipsters, who pretend to be unfazed by the holiday pomp.

A walk through the Holiday Light Festival gives you a chance to rediscover that you actually like living in a casino Los Angeles. It gives you a chance to accept the passage of time. It gives you a chance to soak up the particular joy evoked by this time of year.

After all, there is something truly pleasurable about light in winter.