Pleasure Notes

I love lists – To Do lists, What I Covet lists, Favorite XYZ lists. You get the picture. So imagine my pleasure at discovering this particular list, which I believe was started by Zen Goddess Jen but which I found at one of my regular stops – My LA Blog. The list remains the same for everyone. The items in BOLD are things which I have accomplished. The italicized items are still to be done. If you cross something out it means you’re committing to never doing it, ever. I’m a commitment phobe and have learned the hard why to never say never, so you will not see any crossed off items on my particular list. But yes, I did tweak the title a wee bit because, you know, it really is all about me.

1. Started your own blog. Obviously. You are reading it now.
2. Slept under the stars. Not yet without a tent or a roof between me and randomly falling objects.
3. Played in a band. I still have fantasies about being in a rock band, but since the only instrument I learned to play with any conviction was the piano and my voice is of the quality that would make even Paula cringe, I’m not quite sure how this one will manifest… Maybe Rock Band? I have yet to play it.
4. Visited Hawaii. Twice. Oahu and the Big Island of Hawai’i.
5. Watched a meteor shower.
6. Given more than I can afford to charity. Frequently. I’m a sucker for a sad story.
7. Been to Disneyland. I detest amusement parks. Too many little fiends children who should be killed have had too much sugar.
8. Climbed a mountain. Grew up in Colorado. My sweat has dripped on plenty of 14ers.
9. Held a praying mantis. I am willing to hold something that looks like a leaf. But I can’t promise I won’t crush it while it is in my hand.
10. Sang a solo. It was not a good thing. See #3 regarding my vocal talents.
11. Bungee Jumped. Have been wanting to do this for years, just haven’t gotten around to it yet.
12. Visited Paris. A few times. J’aime le Paris.
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea.
14. Taught myself an art from scratch.
15. Adopted a child. My impulse would be to cross this one out, but I’m not entirely convinced I won’t someday want to give a needy child a loving home.
16. Had food poisoning. I’ve blocked out the details.
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty. A hell of a lot of stairs.
18. Grown my own vegetables. Haven’t played in a vegetable garden since I was a child, but I would love to have some tomato plants of my own next time I have a yard.
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France. She is very small. And she has a weird look on her face.
20. Slept on an overnight train. Yep. Don’t recommend it. I woke up to find myself being robbed.
21. Had a pillow fight.
22. Hitchhiked. Numerous times. Only in Europe. Great way to meet guys.
23. Taken a sick day when I wasn’t ill.
24. Built a snow fort. Best part of a blizzard. Well, that and making snow angels.
25. Held a lamb. I’ve petted one though.
26. Gone skinny dipping.
27. Run a marathon. I won’t cross this one off. If I ever end up doing this, however, hell will have frozen over. I’m just saying.
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice. Opted out of the singing though.
29. Seen a total eclipse.
30. Watched a sunrise and a sunset. I try to watch the sunset every day. Never disappoints. Sunrises usually happen a bit too early for me these days.
31. Hit a home run. I can barely hit the ball much less make it go any distance, but there’s always the chance of experiencing that one perfect moment when the universe is in synch.
32. Been on a cruise. This would not be a bad way to spend my 110s.
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person. I’ve seen Iguacu Falls, though. Pretty damn awesome.
34. Visited the birthplace of my ancestors. Mostly. I’m a mutt, so there are a lot of places to visit. Ireland’s the only one left, though, and I may be able to check that off the list this very year. Will let you know.
35. Seen an Amish community. Did not see Kelly McGillis once.
36. Taught myself a new language. Portuguese. And smidgens of a few others.
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied.
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person.
39. Gone rock climbing.
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David in person. A week before some crazy chopped off the dude’s toe.
41. Sung karaoke. As awful as you can imagine.
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt. A big thank you to my parents for loading us into the car every summer for road trips across the lower 48.
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant. No, but look forward to doing that once #37 is met.
44. Visited Africa. Planned a trip to Egypt but then we bombed Baghdad, the first time, so it was scrapped. Many African countries are on my Must See list.
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight. I live in Southern California. It would be criminal of me not to have done this many, many times.
46. Been transported in an ambulance. I passed out in a Baja Fresh and wouldn’t wake up. I was very thirsty. The uniformed boys were very nice once I became coherent but were mean and wouldn’t let me sleep at first. Not the smoothest ride ever.
47. Had my portrait painted.
48. Gone deep sea fishing. Given how I responded to night fishing, this is not going to happen in the near future.
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person. That Michael dude knows how to draw.
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris. Nice, but there are many, many other things I’d rather spend my time doing in Paris.
51. Gone scuba diving and snorkeling. Love snorkeling. Have done it in Hawaii and Indonesia. Scuba diving is still very much on my list of things to do.
52. Kissed in the rain. Delightful if done right. If done wrong, dump the dude. Water up the nose is not romantic.
53. Played in the mud.
54. Gone to a drive-in theatre.
55. Been in a movie.
56. Visited the Great Wall of China.
57. Started a business.
58. Taken a martial arts class. Someday, I will know how to crush your eyeballs, gonads, and kidneys all at the same time. Hear me roar!
59. Visited Russia. I must increase my tolerance for vodka.
60. Served at a soup kitchen. Every Thanksgiving I plan to do this but then get distracted by a large table of overflowing food served by friends or family. I may be a bad person.
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies. I have bought plenty, though. Shouldn’t that count?
62. Gone whale watching. I keep forgetting, and then they are gone.
63. Got flowers for no reason. Always a pleasure.
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma. Blood.
65. Gone sky diving. Free fall is amazing. The rest of it, not my thing.
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp. A few of them. Fucking depressing.
67. Bounced a check. Just last week, thank you very much.
68. Flown in a helicopter.
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy. I am very sentimental.
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial.
71. Eaten caviar. Salty. Would rather eat sushi.
72. Pieced a quilt. Yep, I made a few quilts using the log cabin pattern. I was in an Arts & Crafts phase. It has passed.
73. Stood in Times Square.
74. Toured the Everglades. We should really stop destroying them.
75. Been fired from a job. I really, really suck as a waitress.
76. Seen the Changing of the Guard in London. Would not want that job.
77. Broken a bone. Collar bone. Jewish camp. Touch football. Don’t like religion.
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle. See #22.
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person. Successfully puked blueberry muffin over the side of it too. How many folks can say that, hum?
80. Published a book. Open for bids and proposal ideas.
81. Visited the Vatican.
82. Bought a brand new car. Just paid it off last year – Boo-Ya!
83. Walked in Jerusalem. Look forward to doing that when there’s a peace settlement.
84. Had my picture in the newspaper.
85. Read the entire Bible. Heard there are some interesting horror stories.
86. Visited the White House. Smelled too much like the previous night’s gin to get the private tour but loved getting frisked by the Secret Service.
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating. Someday, I WILL eat a cricket. I’ve heard they taste like chicken.
88. Had chickenpox. Very mild case, thank god. I am not kind when I am sick.
89. Saved someone’s life.
90. Sat on a jury.
91. Met someone famous. I live in LA and work in the Entertainment Industry for god’s sake.
92. Joined a book club. Love it. Only chance I have any more to read books.
93. Lost a loved one. Funerals are very strange affaires.
94. Had a baby.
95. Seen the Alamo in person. It’s a fort.
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake. Never even occurred to me to do this. Now, it has.
97. Been involved in a law suit. I won.
98. Owned a cell phone. I think this item is hear to make people feel good about themselves even if they’ve done nothing with their lives.
99. Been stung by a bee. I prefer butterflies.
100. Read an entire book in one day. One of the best ways to spend a rainy day. Must be done in bed or at least under a very comfy blanket. Preferably while one is still in one’s pajamas.

My friend Sarah just wrote a post about the ten things she irrationally fears. I thought that was a brilliant idea, so I’m doing the same thing. I warn you, much of this list constitutes a gigantic over-share, but I believe it is truly liberating to look FEAR in the face, define it, reveal it, and then ANNIHILATE it. So here we go…

1. Ants. I was about five, decked out in age-appropriate short-shorts and a Snuffleupagus t-shirt, and on a family road trip through East Texas. My grandmother sat me in the bough of a tree so she could take my picture – a bough covered in FIRE ANTS. For those lucky enough to have never heard of these diabolical critters, let me just say they come by their name honestly. As the little buggers went smorgasbord on my ass, literally, I began to scream. My grandmother thought I simply didn’t want my picture taken. How little she knew me. Needless to say, the entire experience scarred me (though, thankfully, only emotionally) for life. And of course I forgave my grandmother – about 15 years after she died.
   

   Alice and Mrs. Snuffleupagus

2. Breast Cancer. I come from a line of well-endowed women. I watched Terms of Endearment as a kid. And pink ribbons get my attention. I’m super paranoid that I’m going to miss that telltale lump and I’ll DIE. After all, there’s a lot of real estate to examine. I’m a huge proponent of self-exams; please check your ta-tas regularly, ladies! And guys, this affords you a great excuse to pay rapt attention to your lover’s lamps as your fingers do their meandering.
3. Heart Break. So, I have commitment issues. And I like drama – I used to be an actress, for gods sake. I adore the giddiness of falling in love. But the chest-cracking, gut-wrenching pain of falling out of that love? Whoa, Nelly. I’d rather ignore you, cut you, betray you, deny you or kill you than feel any of that. It’s something I’m working on. And, no, I do not have a police record. Yet.
   

   By Valery Milovic

4. Getting Fired. I am an excellent employee. In fact, I am an over-achiever. That being said, I hate work. I would much rather be gallivanting about Bhutan or lounging on the beach in Santorini or simply sipping iced tea on the patio of my favorite café. My fear is that this truth, and the amount of time I spend on TweetDeck, is somehow telegraphed to my boss like pheromones. I have never received a pink slip, but there’s a first time for everything.
5. Playing the Wrong Music at a Party. I have very eclectic taste in music, but I am not educated about it. I can’t tell you why I do or do not like a song. I can tune it out with ease. I often play the same CD for weeks on end. As a result, I don’t feel particularly prepared to defend my choice of a specific lyric, melody, or artist. So what happens when, in the middle of an otherwise successful party, someone shoots me a horrified look and asks, “What the hell are you playing this for?” or, worse yet, “You call that music?” and the now-shuddering crowd runs for the hills, leaving me alone with trays of uneaten Trader Joe’s finger food and a bottle of Charles Shaw?
6. Going Blind. I had Lasik a few years ago. It was a resounding success. Yet every time my eyes get blurry from exhausting, I start to think my corneas are about to fall out of my head, and that will be that. I think this irrational fear is partly due to my brain’s unwillingness to accept that I can now actually see the alarm clock and recognize people from further than 3 feet away. But, I must admit, I also fear karmic retribution for wishing I had Mary Ingall’s blue eyes when I was little. And I was just ordered by my ophthalmologist to purchase some glasses for night driving – I wanted night-vision goggles, but went with hot-professor frames instead.
   

   Little House on the Prairie (NBC)

7. Peeing While Having Sex. I did warn you about the over-share… I have that blessed damned G-Spot to blame. Don’t get me wrong, I’m thrilled when a lover, or a smartly designed toy, hits it. But the sensation hitting that spot initially creates – for those ladies not fortunate enough to have experienced it yet – feels very similar to that caused by being stuck in the toilet line at half-time after drinking far too many beers. Bad analogy, I know, but you get the point. Of course, the resulting release is far better than any bladder emptying I’ve ever had and, depending on your physiology, it can be almost as… copious. My fear has always been that I would get the two confused in the heat of the moment. I have testimony from others that I’ve yet to make such a mistake, thank god, but the fear is still there.
8. Being Thin. This is counter-intuitive, I know, but let me explain. As I mentioned above, I come from a line of well-endowed women. When I am thin, that endowment seems to be the ONLY thing men notice and, believe me, their notice is often very vocal as well as noticeably physical. Since I’ve decided against pursuing a career as a porn star, this kind of notice can be decidedly uncomfortable. Granted, my penchant for attracting men who think Miss Manners is an underwear line is epic. But still, having a few extra pounds on the frame provides padding of the emotional as well as the physical kind. This way of thinking is neither healthy nor productive, which is why the fear of being thin is an irrational one.
9. Changing Diapers. I like little children. I do not, however, like poo – mine, yours, or the Gerber baby’s. If you have a child with a dirty diaper, please do not ask me to hold that child, much less expect me to clean its butt. After all, the child might not be done dumping, or the color I discover when ripping off the Pampers might create hysterical blindness – and you already know how I feel about going blind, or I may get caught up in the diaper sticky-tabs to such a degree that my self-esteem plummets. But, hey, if you have a properly washed, powdery-smelling, fully-dressed infant… May I please hold him/her/it?
10. Ripping a Loud Stinky Fart in the Middle of a Meeting. I already mentioned that I do not like poo. Farts remind me of poo. And of my father. He is a very skilled farter. And he really has no compunction about where he does it. Super embarrassing when you are a kid. Who cares that it’s partly due to a bad digestive system with which he made peace at a young age. My mother has a wonky tract as well. While Acidophilus and I are close friends, my genetic inheritance and childhood memories still leave me in fear, and hyper-aware of floor plans.

By David Snow

I am no longer a child, to be embarrassed or scarred. I have overcome many of my irrational fears. The above list highlights some of those still lurking. I’m working on completely discarding every last one of them. After all, irrational fears serve no purpose but to hold us back from embracing all the pleasures life has to offer.

So what are your irrational fears, and are you ready to let them go?

I am still very new to blogging. The technology involved frequently makes my eyes roll back in my head. The scope of the social media world in which I now find myself has left me naively gaping in shock. I am having far more fun following stat counters than is healthy. But, I have not revealed much of myself as yet. Thanks to a kindly slap upside the head in the form of an emphatic tweet from my friend, Jamie, that is all about to change. Thus, I embark on revealing 7 things about me which you don’t know, seven secrets, if you like…

1) I work in a dildo factory. Well, actually, I work right next to one. The windows of my office overlook the wet-pour line. Now, before the one conservative who reads this blog starts freaking out, let me clarify that I do not do porn. I work for a toy company that just happens to make toys for adults. I help them out part-time with press releases and white papers and branding strategy. Yes, sometimes I even have to come up with names for new sex toys. It’s an entertaining challenging job. And somebody’s got to do it. One of these days I’ll do a photo essay, but first I’ll have to figure out how to use my digital camera.

2) I am a thief. Or, more accurately, I was one. When I was 10. Let me explain…I used to take a public bus to school, and walk 8 blocks home, by myself, past the neighborhood grocery store. Now, my mother was/is a diabetic. She had a stash of candy in the cupboard for whenever she had insulin reactions. However, I was not allowed to have any of that candy. So I decided to get my own. And I knew just where to go to get it. The neighborhood grocery store.

In the back of the store, shelf upon shelf was stacked with bags of candy. I would nonchalantly walk back there, passing the candy bars and point-of-purchase York Peppermint Patties. I would stealthily tear open a bag of CANDY CORNS – the best candy ever because it takes three bites to eat one, if you consume it by color, carefully aligning teeth-to-borderline on each delectable pyramid. I would steal ONE candy corn. And I would pop it in my mouth, overcome by the adrenaline rush, which would quickly be replaced by a sugar rush.I got caught, of course, but that’s another story.

3) I broke my collarbone when I tried to be a Jew. I was 13 at the time. It was the beginning of summer. I had suffered through a few years of Catholic school. My parents were both vainly searching for answers to the eternal questions that lead some people to religion, others to science, and the rest to drugs. It was decided, by a family member who shall remain nameless – primarily because I have no idea whose idea it was, that I should get in touch with my Jewish heritage – on my father’s side – by going to a sleep-away camp the local Jewish Community Center sponsored. The camp had horses. I liked horses. And I jumped at the opportunity to get out of the house learn some Hebrew.

On the 2nd day of 7, a group of us kids was playing capture the flag. And that’s when it happened. I reached out my arm in a half-assed attempt to grab the ball. Someone brushed against me. POP! My clavicle simply snapped. And the worse part? No one at the camp thought it was broken! Try getting a horse to stop galloping when you have a broken collarbone. Not fun! Needless to say, the next summer I got into Ouija boards.

4) I once had lunch in a Turkish harem. That may be overstating it a wee bit, but I’ll let you decide…I had just graduated from college, and coerced a friend to join me in Mersin, Turkey. A family friend had generously offered to let us stay in an empty apartment he owned in one of the working class neighborhoods of this large port city. He even escorted us there, with plans to stay and help us find jobs teaching English. Little did we know that his plan translated into him spending most of the day at the local tea house, to which we were not invited because of our gender.

It was 120 degrees. My friend and I made the best of the situation by playing pinocle on the shaded balcony which, since it was six stories above ground, got a gust of breeze every few hours. Until the local women’s council put a stop to it, that is. Playing cards, you see, was considered a shameful activity for women in that neighborhood. Our neighbors were concerned that the entire building would be tainted by our behavior if someone walking by on the street caught sight of our activities. Did I mention that we were SIX STORIES ABOVE GROUND?  To take out the sting of their rebuke, the council invited us to a luncheon. We had nothing better to do and, besides, we were there to embrace the culture.

Upon arriving at the apartment of the council’s self-appointed Queen Bee, we were instructed to take our shoes off and sit on the floor in front of the most amazing spread of savory and sweet I have ever encountered, laid out on newspaper, in communal bowls. Twenty women watched as we dipped our hands into the food and tasted our first bites. We smiled, nodded – delicious. Then, all hell broke loose.

The window shades were abruptly drawn. The liquor came out. The other women plunged their plump hands into the bowls of meats and spices. And they started comparing breasts and genitalia, asking to see ours, laughing uproariously, and emitting rapid bursts of Turkish. I don’t remember what happened next.

5) I love brussels sprouts. Actually, there are very few vegetables I do not like. But brussels sprouts are particularly cute. I think it’s because of their diminutive size. I’ve always been a sucker for the runts of a litter, and I like to think of the brussels sprout as the runt of the cabbage family. They also have such a Dr. Seuss-inspired look to them on the stalk – very fanciful. Unfortunately, I do not eat them often because I am not much of a cook, at least not at the moment.

6) I prefer table games to video games. I grew up watching my great-grandad play dominos and spit tobacco into a coffee can on the screened porch of his farm. My parents taught my brother and me our vocabulary via competitive Scrabble games. We didn’t get Nintendo in the house until I was old enough to be into boys, so I never did catch the video-game bug. Sometimes I wish I had. It would have saved me a great deal of youthful heartbreak.

7) I only return phone calls while driving. It’s not that I’m a compulsive multi-tasker, but rather that I feel guilty just lounging on my bed, gabbing like a teenager. When I am in my house, I need to concentrate on the dishes, or fashion decisions, or the latest episode of Mad Men. I am too distracted to carry on a coherent conversation. When I am driving, however, my attention can be split between the road and, well,  anyone with a Verizon plan. I live in Los Angeles, after all. Seventy percent of my time is spent in my car. The traffic rarely moves. What else am I supposed to do? Text? I do that too. But shhhh – it’s now against the law.

Okay. That’s it. 7 Things About Me. Seven Secrets to give you a little insight into my special brand of crazy. Hope you have enjoyed the experience.

I will now tag seven lucky Tweeters, as that is how this damn thing spidered its way into my life. They are: @naturallygeeky, @girlfrisky, @livitluvit, @michellefabio, @califmom, @hollyjahangiri, and @kat_taf. They are entrusted with continuing the saga. Check them out to see how well they do. If you are not one of them, please feel free to tell me 7 things about yourself in the comment section, or at least one!

I’ve been thinking today about how, at a time when there is so much emphasis on “out with the old, in with the new” and so many people are caught up in the need to make BIG CHANGES simply because new calendars have been cracked open, I actually find great comfort in ROUTINE. So instead of writing a “to do” list elucidating all the things I want to start and/or accomplish in the coming months, I am choosing to highlight the routines I want to maintain, the ones I find most pleasurable.

• Making espresso in the morning, and sipping it while sitting by the window and contemplating the palm tree – not enough to join the International Palm Society, but just enough to appreciate nature’s quirky nature. I may alternate with tea this year, but the jury is still out on that one.

Pure Pleasure from a Bean

• Waking up to the cat sleeping on my back, and being more concerned about not disturbing her than about how long the alarm clock has been ringing or how late I’m going to be to work.

Cutest Robot Alarm Clock

• Flossing my teeth. The pleasure comes from the consequential lack of bloody gums, avoidance of guilt trips from my dentist at my twice-yearly check-up, and desire to keep my real breasts.

• Hiking up to the Hollywood Sign on Saturdays, and having visiting tourists help me remember that some of the glitter here is gold. La La Land can get a little tarnished around the edges with the sheer abundance of smog, skinny, spending and celebrity.

Skinny Celebrity on a Smoggy Day

• Getting together with my Circle Girls on Sundays to debrief about the week that was, prepare for the week that will be, and laugh, laugh, laugh. I know it’s cliche, but girlfriends are the best mood altering and/or mood enhancing drug on the market.

Created by Sven Geier

• Waiting until I’m wearing the last clean pair of undies before doing laundry. There’s a much greater sense of accomplishment achieved after doing six loads of laundry than after doing only one.

No More Clean Clothes

Yep, there’s nothing wrong with a little routine, even some ritual, to ensure every day is pleasurable. What routines do you maintain to keep a smile on your face?

Since the world seems obsessed with lists at the moment – I mean really, people, a whole issue of Time Magazine! – and, to my chagrin, I find myself oddly drawn to them as if they were Pixy Stix, I have decided to jump on the band wagon with one of my own.  My list highlights the most pleasurable things about 2008, from my perspective, in case you didn’t infer that from the title.  Perhaps it is the beginning of a tradition, perhaps not.  It is still too early to tell…

1. Obama’s Win. Tears of joy over that one.  And relief.  For days.  In fact, I’m still giddy.
2. My New Niece. She was actually born in 2007, but I got to know her this year and she is one very cool chic.
3. Bella, My Cat. I’m actually more of a dog person and, based on her behavior in the window sill, so is she, so some adjustments had to be made.  We’ve worked everything out and I am now at her beck and call.
4. Having A Job. Money isn’t everything, but only an idiot would think it was nothing.
5. Duffy’s Debut, Rockferry. I’m kinda addicted to it.  It makes me want a bouffant.
6. MacBook Pro. I finally converted from a PC this year, primarily because my Dell kept crashing and I was tired of talking to Pakistan and I hated myself for being tired of talking to Pakistan, but what this little baby lets you do with two fingers — well, let’s just say it hits the spot.
7. Playing With B. It’s simple.
8. The Shield Finale. It’s complicated.
9. Anne Klein Black Patent Heels. Every girl’s got to have her favorite sexy shoes, and these 3-inch babies are comfy to boot.
10. This Year’s Best Tent Pole Flick, Iron Man. I heart Robert Downey, Jr.
11. Libraries. I rediscovered them this year.  They let you have any book you want, for two weeks, for free.  Amazing.
12. Massimo Carlotto’s The Goodbye Kiss. Italy’s answer to Raymond Chandler, and one more reason to love Italy.