Disclosure:This is very likely the most personal post I will ever publish. If you are a family member or personal friend, you may want to skip reading this. But it must be written. And I hope, in the publishing of it, that it will help someone – I’m not sure how – but truth has a funny way about it. I know it serves as a bit of salve to my own wounds…
I was molested when I was eight years old, maybe nine. My memory is fuzzy like that. What I do recall is that he was fourteen and lived next door. He “taught” me how to French kiss and played “Doctor” with me behind the locked door of his basement bedroom. I told my parents in a vague way. They mentioned something to his parents. I think he got grounded. I, on the other hand, no longer felt safe.
I couldn’t articulate that loss of safety at eight, nor at eighteen. For years, I told the broad strokes of the events as a joke, not acknowledging the damage.
There were other violations, too. Some remain shadowed, articulated in my mind and body as simple, overwhelming distrust of particular men – family friends, family members – with whom I crossed paths as a child. The ones that happened to me as a adult are more distinct, and more complicated.
I’ve gravitated toward violence, you see. Not because I’ve wanted it, per se, but because it made it so much easier to be outside my self.
Now, I’m not saying that rough sex is bad. In theory, I think it can be a lot of fun – in a loving relationship, where trust is a component. I’ve never had it that way. My experiences with extremely aggressive sex have always required two very different components: 1) substantial amounts of alcohol, and 2) a stranger – either in physical identity or emotional availability.
Almost all the adult violations I’ve experienced were acted out with my permission.
That’s the fucked up, bizarre reality I’m currently processing and setting about to change.
I only very recently realized that, during most of my adult relationships, whenever I’ve said yes, I’ve actually meant NO and whenever I’ve said no, I’ve actually meant YES. Not in EVERY SINGLE instance, but far too many times for my peace of mind.
(And guys think they have a handle on the caliber of mind fucks and mixed signals they get from women… Ha!)
Before I go on, I must pause to say please, please, PLEASE do not interpret what I’m saying as illicit approval of men ignoring women when they say “no.” IT IS NOT. I’m simply revealing part of a dynamic I’ve discovered in my PERSONAL behavior that may resonate with some folks.
So let me explain (and here’s where it’s gonna get kinda graphic)…
I’ve said “yes” to a lot of behavior with which I really wasn’t okay, in the given circumstances. Or, actually, I’ve said “SURE,” to a lot of men. Not all the scenarios involved aggressive sex, but I meant NO each time.
SURE to him sneaking me into a hotel room.
SURE to him masturbating on my face.
SURE to him grabbing my crotch in front of a group of friends.
SURE to him using that belt on me but not letting me use it on him.
SURE to him being married.
SURE to him not using a condom.
SURE to him leaving bruises on my breasts that took weeks to disappear.
The list of “sures” is seemingly endless. Thirty years worth of yes meaning no.
I’ve said “NO,” too.
NO to him saying I’m beautiful. Whatever.
NO to him immediately responding to a voicemail. Don’t you have a life?
NO to him asking me what feels good. I don’t know.
NO to him asking me what I want. What do YOU want?
NO to him wanting to be with me. How dare you invade my space!
My thinking (if you wanna call it that) has gone something along the lines of, “If I say YES to this, I’ll die.”
Because YES – a real YES – means vulnerability. It means connection. It means I’ve got to BE THERE, IN THE MOMENT…
Aw, HELL no!
Give me that out-of-body experience. That’s safe. I’ve got control over that. He can’t hurt me. He can’t break my trust. He can’t betray me.
Because I’ve already betrayed myself.
Which doesn’t really matter because at least I’m safe.
HUH?
Yep, it’s taken me all this time to get the following epiphany: my brain comes up with some COCKAMAMIE theorems.
I’m ready to rewrite them.
I’m on the road to a place – just around the corner, please – where yes means YES and no means NO. It feels like I’m about halfway there. I’m no longer a child. I know what I want, need and deserve. I have tools by which to stay SAFE, by which to reconstruct boundaries and rebuild my self.
That’s one of the perks of adulthood.
Now my wish is that anyone – everyone, actually, woman or man – who lives with a similar misalignment of word and definition finds the courage and support to heal.
Be kind. Be honest. Be loving. Be loved.
SaritaPagita
/ January 8, 2010How brave of you to post about this. How brave of you to challenge yourself to question how this has affected your sexual relationships. How brave of you to pave a new path of truth. Brava!
whollyjeanne
/ January 8, 2010sugar, just when i didn’t think i could love you more. words are just spilling from my heart so fast and from so many different directions i am silenced from overwhelm. i’ll be back, though, when my little words calm down into some semblance of understandablility. for now, though, i’m just gonna’ say yes. and i mean yes as an affirming hug. or affirming space, if that suits you better right now.
.-= whollyjeanne´s last blog ..who’d’a thunk it =-.
emmajames
/ January 9, 2010Jeanne: I’ll always accept an affirming hug from you, babe. You’ve become integral to my journey. And thank you.
Alana
/ January 8, 2010Thank you for posting this. I see so many pieces of myself in these words of you. It amazes me how violations can get internalized and we allow so much that we don’t want. This is beautiful. You are beautiful – and brave – and amazing. Thank you.
.-= Alana´s last blog ..Embracing the demons. =-.
emmajames
/ January 9, 2010Alana: This would not have happened without your support. Literally. I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Lindsey
/ January 8, 2010You are brave, not only for sharing this, but for committing to change it. Neither realizing that these hardwired pathways are not healthy nor devoting the energy and effort to change them is a small thing.
Bravo. Thank you.
emmajames
/ January 9, 2010Lindsey: And thank you for being a voice of support. I truly appreciate it.
raven
/ January 8, 2010what a brave and courageous woman. i know EXACTLY what you’re talking about as i could have almost written this myself. i think that there are more of *us* out there than will be admitted. isn’t it interesting how when one woman (you) steps out of the comfort zone and shares her story, more of us are able to at least speak out and say, “girl, i feel you.” because we do know.
i hope that by you posting this you have released some of the pain and anguish you’ve suffered through the years. maybe a little more of it is off your back. at the very least you have let at least one woman know that she’s not alone.
simply amazing.
emmajames
/ January 9, 2010Raven: That’s certainly what I hope comes from this – that by me sharing my story someone else will find the courage to share hers/his. I know that I got here on a path paved by others, and how much smoother that made the journey. You are not alone, my friend. And the release, for me, has been earth-shaking.
Julie Daley
/ January 8, 2010Emma,
I’m feeling a profound sense of beauty from so suddenly being brought into an experience of truth, integrity and love. I’m also feeling a bit speechless (make that wordless), as I see myself in these words over and over. Especially the out-of-body, already abandoned myself part. I somehow sense the release that came from the release of these words, but then maybe that’s my own recognition and release that are a by-product of your courageous post.
As I sit here putting together my reply, I am humbled by the welling up of respect and reverence I’m feeling for you and your ability to voice truth.
With love,
Julie
.-= Julie Daley´s last blog ..The New =-.
emmajames
/ January 9, 2010Julie:Yeah, it was kinda sudden, wasn’t it – lol. And the release has been just as shocking as, if not more, the telling. I have occasional flashes of terror or shame about the fact that I actually published this, but then the release happens or someone reaches out to me who hasn’t yet found her/his voice, and I float into a phenomenal calm awareness that what I’ve done is exactly what I was meant to do. And I send love right back your way.
olive & hope
/ January 8, 2010Emma,
My first time here, and I am in awe of your honesty. Thank you for that. I can honestly say that I have said yes, when I meant no, far too many times…and in many situations. Thank you so much for speaking your truth, and for sharing your journey to healing.
.-= olive & hope´s last blog ..This Day. Five Years Ago. =-.
emmajames
/ January 9, 2010O&H: Hi! And welcome! And oh dear, what a place to land upon your first visit – lol! I’m so glad you didn’t run screaming for the hills and hope you stay a while.
Kate
/ January 8, 2010Your courage is amazing and raw and honest and beautiful. Thank you so much for this. A lot of it resonates for me as well. It is so, so powerful that you acknowledge your part in this and work on that. I admire you for that! ~ thank you ~
emmajames
/ January 9, 2010Kate: Thank you. And my heart goes out to you for all the things that resonate. May your courageous life flourish!
Ally B
/ January 8, 2010Wonderful post. I respect you so much for being able to write about this, and for having the courage to change your story.
.-= Ally B´s last blog ..Palindrome Princess =-.
emmajames
/ January 9, 2010Ally: Thanks so much, chica! One day at a time, right?
whollyjeanne
/ January 8, 2010i hope you sleep better tonight than you have in a long time.
.-= whollyjeanne´s last blog ..snow =-.
emmajames
/ January 9, 2010Jeanne: Yep. The sleep of catharsis.
Lollygagger
/ January 9, 2010Thank you for sharing your story so openly and honestly. I think it’s great that you’re taking the time to figure out exactly how you want, need and know how things should be for you. I think many women could easily relate to this post. Here’s to knowing you can be loved and connected to someone sincerely from your heart and mind. Hugs!
.-= Lollygagger´s last blog ..I GOT A JOB! =-.
emmajames
/ January 9, 2010Molly: Thanks so much, chica. Hugs right back! & congrats on the job
Robin
/ January 9, 2010This is something I too have had to come to terms with in my own life. How many times have I said yes when I really meant no? Too many. Way too many. And it started eating at me. I used to think that there was something seriously wrong with me for ending up with guys who treated me like shit. As it turns out, I was actually trying to find a way to heal myself – if that makes sense! How back-asswards is that??
You are right – saying yes does mean vulnerability and connection. It’s freakin scary. But it’s what I am really striving for in my life despite all the pain and fear.
I wish you all the best on this journey. I’m so happy I met you and was able to connect with you through our blogs. You are pretty damn awesome Emma.
.-= Robin´s last blog ..Meatsticks =-.
emmajames
/ January 9, 2010Robin: I, too, am so happy we met and that we’re on this crazy journey together. May it be smooth sailing from here on out! xo
Angie @ Just Like The Number
/ January 10, 2010I’m in awe of you (in a good way). For choosing to be honest and for not mincing words. I’m sorry that you’ve been hurt in all instances, but especially as a child. I believe 100% that your words will help someone else.
emmajames
/ January 14, 2010Angie: Thanks, hon. I hope they do help someone, as that is the primary reason I made this public. Speaking up. Speaking out. Shining light into darkness. Dispelling the secrets and the shame. That’s what I want for myself, and for everyone else.
egan
/ January 12, 2010I’m proud of you for sharing this with us. It can’t be easy, but I like the reasons you did this. Like others have said, this sharing is a good thing. I know it’s been great for me when I shared personal issues with others. Thanks for being yourself, brave!
emmajames
/ January 14, 2010Egan: Thanks for the love, babe! I truly appreciate it.
LA Cochran
/ January 12, 2010I’m sorry that happened to you. *HUG*
.-= LA Cochran´s last blog ..Assorted Flotsam =-.
emmajames
/ January 14, 2010LA Cochran: Thank you. *hug* right back
Amie aka MammaLoves
/ January 15, 2010Oh Girl! I wish we were close enough to sit and chat for hours. I understand this all so clearly. We play so many games with ourselves in our head. It is amazing though when you find that place where you do feel safe and find the ability to truly be yourself.
I know you will. You deserve it.
.-= Amie aka MammaLoves´s last blog ..Would It Kill You? =-.
emmajames
/ January 15, 2010Amie: Thanks so much, chica. The blogosphere is an amazing place. I had no idea it could be so healing, and I am grateful.
glennis
/ January 20, 2010great insights and giant steps forward you have taken not only for yourself but on behalf of others who can relate as well. time and age does allow for some very marvelous learning when early on we can’t face or possibly understand why we do what we do.
so real. daring to blast away the illusions and see truths.
thanks to jeanne for providing the link-
emmajames
/ January 20, 2010Glennis: Welcome to PN! Any friend of Jeanne’s is a friend of mine. And thank you for the kind words. They are truly appreciated.
Bonnie
/ January 29, 2010I think sharing our truths is the first giant step toward resolving them. I’m talking about using those truths (whatever happened, how we internalized it, acted upon it or unthinkingly processed it) to accept and then reinvent ourselves so all of it becomes truly reflective of who we really are and desire to be. I have things from long ago that have shaped who I am today and only by having the courage you’ve shown, will I continue to reinvent myself.
Publish on! I admire your strength.
.-= Bonnie´s last blog ..A Good Bug Answers =-.
emmajames
/ January 29, 2010Bonnie: The beauty is that we all support each other’s truths. I completely concur that by speaking our truths we are given a freedom to step further into our complete selves and that is a beautiful thing. Thank you for your encouragement and I send it back to you with pom-poms to cheer you on your journey.